#he lived in my town but moved right before I moved there in 6th grade and I only heard stories about him

[stopfunkinwmyheart]

my new vaporizer is black cherry maduro...................................... cherry can be hit or miss w me but this bb taste like tha red tarbur

[ri-afan]

If I didn’t get to keep my knowledge then I would likely have a different answer.

To maximise my friends now while minimising the rest, 6-10 would have to be it. Holding out to the next stage would run the risk of coming into middle school too late even if it turns out I fell back to being in first grade again. Though to think I would still move in with my mother for high school for the few friends I have from then even if I didn’t get to graduate with most of them… y’all are special.

Can’t tag L or E.R., obviously, but can tag @shortiethewolf so I will: I love you guys so much and I would say you’re worth it living there with her even if I haven’t spoken to E.R. since graduation and it’s been so sporadic with both you and L since I moved. (You never met her but I think y’all could’ve been acquaintances at the least.) Also, the experience with M and E.C. years 10&11? I was kinda the catalyst to get them what they wanted and I feel like I dropped the ball on the experiences we had. Definitely have to be there for that to happen because they’re still nice people ❤️‍🩹 It would free me from some of mom’s attention too, even if it’s a crappy way to think about it. I’d definitely be doing more to stay off her radar though.

—Listen, I spent the time I was writing the last paragraph thinking about it and I think I would know the perfect time and plan to get things to work out and I still wouldn’t have to take that damn trig class in high school.

I would move after 6th grade because while I love dad I don’t know about being where they were and I only would have one more year where we were. Probably would still get pulled out of public school for bigotry reasons for middle school though (which, half and half it wasn’t wholly a terrible experience even if it truly was full of not the …best things… I’d do my best to work with what I had between all that but it was a… learning experience for sure. Probably ask if I could join a Spanish class though because it woulda been useful at least), then I would land with shortie in art year 9 (oh! I would change the science classes though my god - AP over regular Earth Science, physics over chem 🙏🏼 no APUSH dear god no I love L but I couldn’t with that class again, but I would change how I took that English class year 11) and meet L in that shitty religion club year 10 (I can’t remember how we met outside of that so I guess I’ll have to go to it for him 🙄😜) and totally skip all of that bs with people making L and me awkward af. And shutdown his shit with N bc that just fed into no good things (god, you remember that? I thought it was weird then and still think it was odd a decade later). Would def still turn him into a WonderWoman fan though because I think that helped him overall 😁 That thing with that guy I never actually met in the end from that one place would not happen year 11, I don’t think I let on just how much of a creep he was but I’m saying no right now. Maybe I actually woulda acted on my thoughts with E.R. senior year though. 🤔 Every once in a while I ponder it when I catch that one photo of us.

Then fucking GAP YEAR before college omg. N and I would likely not happen though 🫤 (all well and good for how it ended but maybe I could have done something different there for communication and we actually get to be friends instead of whatever that bs was…) Still move out to here bc it’s cheaper and just not where I graduated in the end (bc fuck that place, sorry E.R. even though you can’t read this 😅 one year there would be Enough) but skip that first college altogether bc holy shit that was a pricy waste of time, then join the second school (maybe I coulda talked y’all into coming along but I’m doubting it hard you lizards 🦎😄) and get that damn degree I love but sadly don’t really use and work towards what I have at this college still because I still love it. Maybe I could use the first degree when I started the next phase of college at that town. Miss me with those living situations in 2019 though, that ain’t happening again.

Maybe I would fucked around and taken a few other classes that caught my eye too but didn’t consider at the time because sexism? Probably woulda helped.

Now, how would this actually change things? It sounds like I’m on the same path overall.

I’m glad you asked! Connections.

This public thought experiment is over though 😛 but I definitely am going to continue it on my own.

*This poll was submitted to us and we simply posted it so people could vote and discuss their opinions on the matter. If you’d like for us to ask the internet a question for you, feel free to drop the poll of your choice in our inbox and we’ll post them anonymously (for more info, please check our pinned post).

[tess-eh]

Blog Post #2

African American Studies 112A

Professor Due 

01/26/2024

Blog Post #2

This week, our course started to wrap up its discussion on Jordan Peele’s film “Get Out”, and transition into his next film, “Us”, as well as two short stories present in his book Out There Screaming- “The Rider” and “Dark Home”. One of the most helpful things I learned this week about black horror, is that it is not always about racism. In fact, race doesn’t even have to be a theme in black horror in order for it to be considered a black horror piece. There are many variations and multidimensional aspects of black horror. “Us” focuses more on themes of isolation and privilege/class, “The Rider” is more traditional in its aspects of racism and black horror, and “Dark Home” is themed around science fiction and a cautionary tale. No one story is less of a ‘black horror’ genre than the other, but they’re all a bit different in their themes. I am so glad that I was taught this week so that moving forward, I won’t be so inclined to search for the racial themes or aspects in black horror, but more so on the bigger picture. 

My favorite part about all three of these pieces is that there is a personal element present within them. Although they are not specific reflections on the author/creator's life, they all incorporate several aspects of the creator’s real-life troubles and experiences, which made all of these stories so much more real to me. They are all fiction, but they all also show a very true life story about the author’s personal lives, within black horror in their own lives, which makes me want to watch or read these stories more and look in more detail about the true reflections and what I might have missed the first time around. When I first watched “Us”, I did not catch any of the underlying meanings that reflected Peele’s real life that we spoke about in class. Actor Winston Duke, who plays the father ‘Gabe’ in “Us”, is a symbol for Peele and his experience within the black community. For one, Duke actually learned Peele’s mannerisms to copy while on set, i.e. the way Peele constantly pushes up his glasses, resembles when Gabe keeps pushing his glasses up in the film. Additionally, the main theme in “Us”, as we mentioned, is the theme of isolation. Well, after his great success in “Get Out”, Peele felt as if he was financially isolated from his black community, because of his great success that, unfortunately, does not happen so often in his community. That makes this film, “Us”, about class and privilege, and the isolation that the family felt for being the only black family in their town in Santa Cruz. I did not initially realize that Peele was feeling isolated from his community after “Get Out”, but it gives the watcher, me, a better background to the film “Us” in knowing what motivated Peele to use this theme of isolation in his work.

As a first-generation American in my family, I can relate to a lot of the isolation felt by the Wilson family. Oftentimes, like in all of middle school, I was the only non-white person in my entire school. I remember being asked several times where I was born and being so confused as to why they didn’t believe me when I would reply “Right here in Los Angeles!” with an innocent smile on my face. This was in 6th grade, and by 8th grade, I had realized my place as the only person of color in my school and felt isolated from my friends. No, they were not racist, but they were quick to point out the only difference between me and them, which I had not been aware of before this experience. I was used to being the only person of color in my community, and as the Wilson family, the “Dark Home” story, and “The Rider” showcase, it is not particularly pleasant being the odd one out.

[yourlocalsonia2]

Some writing thing I did in 6th grade

A little backstory: so I loved horror movies and stuff, and I wanted to write something. But the loveliness of losing motivation made me stop writing and I found this today and thought "maybe people could read this and either give advice or criticism"

Also the whole story was basically about this skeptic guy getting a haunted house and either getting possessed or dying in the end

TW: mentions of death, murder and a vague-ish description of a body

James had never believed in the supernatural. When anyone would tell him about ‘ghosts haunting others’, he would give them his beliefs on life and death. Because what idiot would believe in ghosts, am I right? But the world he knew and the beliefs he had all changed when he moved into his new house.

“So James, you said you wanted the most haunted house in the most haunted town in the state” 

“Amanda, I told you. Ghosts don’t exist, they are just ways people cope with a loss. Or they are just delusional" He pauses and thinks for a second "I didn’t say anything close to that in the first place!" He protested

 Amanda is James best friend and well, his only friend in fact.

“Well, if you ever call me in a few months saying that you believe. Or if some crazy thing happened in your house, I will not help you.” Amanda stated smugly

“I highly doubt it. Guess I’ll call you after I get all moved in so I know when you are coming.”

“Yeah! Remember to make room for me at the house!”

“Yep. See you later alligator”

End of  Prologue

The house was bigger than he thought it would be, It was almost like a mansion. But Amanda was right, well almost, as in the whole town was superstitious. They told him that he would be cursed or die if he lived in the house or something,but he wasn’t listening. While he was moving in, some of the townspeople were helping but also telling James about the ‘demonic possessions’ and other random shit that happened to the people who lived in the house. After everyone left he started to listen to a story told by the town's Priest,  Father Thomas. Why would a father be superstitious 

“About ten years ago a husband and wife named Juliet and Sam Johnson moved in the house for a getaway from their families. And for the first few days they were fine until Juliet started to see a figure of a child running through the house and mostly in their room and the living room, and a very tall and skinny shadow figure watching over her. After she told Sam she started to get scratches  and knife marks all over her body,she started to get frequent nightmares and panic attacks. Every Time they went to the hospital to try to get her pills to help, they would never work and it would keep getting worse. They eventually went to the church to have their house pure from any demons. The day before the priest came Sam woke up to Juliet getting up and going to the basement singing the song You are my sunshine in a very . He followed her into the basement and saw her with a knife writing into the concrete floor. After that she looked up and saw Sam looking at her. Sam was found the next day with multiple stab wounds in the head and Juliet was found unconscious with multiple deep stab wounds in her arms but luckily still alive….. while Sam had died a few hours before the ambulance could arrive. After that Juliet was taken to court and charged with second degree manslaughter then taken to an asylum.”

“W-what?” James was shaking, maybe it was from the cold or he was scared. . . . . No! Ghosts and demons don’t exist in the ‘living world’, demons only exist in Hell and ghosts are just figments of imagination.

Father Thomas looked with a face of concern and guilt, maybe it was for him, but it was most likely for the Johnsons. 

“Why-”His voice was still shaking but he continued, “Why was she charged with second degree manslaughter and not murder?And also, why was she put in an asylum instead of a normal prison?

“The reason why Juliet was charged with manslaughter was because after she had woken up in the hospital and told her what happened, she started to uncontrollably sob and say that ‘it wasn’t me, it was him’ and ‘it should have been me’. Eventually she became very unstable and started to talk about a ‘tall skinny black figure that watched over her and Sam, then a well dressed child who ran around the  house laughing and singing `you are my sunshine’. So they had the conclusion that she could have some major mental illnesses that heavily affected her personality and sanity. So, for her safety they put her into an asylum and they contacted her and Sam’s family and told them everything that had happened.”

“Ok” he said with caution, “Is she still in the place or whatever? And if she is, would I be able to talk to her about what happened in the house myself?”

“No, she was let out 5 years ago. I would not advise talking to her, the reason is that she has never fully recovered from what happened.”

‘Well that sucks’ James thought,’I wanted to talk to her and see myself’. “Thank you for talking to me Father, I will take your…uh… information into consideration.”. 

“Stay safe James If you ever need to talk,  I’ll be at church. “ And Father Thomas left the house,  leaving James alone with his thoughts. 

“Oh” He paused, “Ok.”

James was exhausted after all the unpacking, and now there are some demons in his house that could possess him or something.  He didn’t believe it though, but something made Mrs. Johnson murder her husband and sent her into an asylum, but what was it really…. 

End of Chapter 1

[haechanniesunflowers]

Ateez being jealous

I left some of these open ended cause I might want to write a second part to this

Seonghwa

Your boyfriend had invited you over to watch him practice for an upcoming award show. The choreography was intense and it was hard to pull it off. He got rap parts for the song so that was the cherry on top. All he wanted was to show you how hard he was working and for you to be proud of him.

You met the rest of the boys through Seonghwa and supported them wholeheartedly. Unbeknownst to you, Seonghwa invited you for selfish purposes but you had eyes on all the members and cheered them on. That didn't sit well with Seonghwa.

Yeosang had the hardest part in the choreography and you cheered for him every time he executed those moves. What worsened things was that Seonghwa couldn't do his part the way he wanted to and that made him angry. When the head choreographer announced a break you came running to him but he didn't spare you a look.

"Seonghwa you did great!"

"hmm"

"don't overburden yourself, you'll get it right, I know it"

"can you leave?"

"what?"

"I can't concentrate with you cheering for everyone else, please leave"

Hongjoong

You finished your semester and to celebrate, Hongjoong invited you over to have a little pizza party, just the two of you, since the other members had schedules. He was alone in the dorms when you came. It was a wholesome date, snuggles, pizza and netflix. Some time later he showed you the piece he was working on for a rap song him and Mingi were planning to release.

You praised him and gave him feedback. Hongjoong was the happiest. He was about to kiss you when Mingi walked through the front door and entered the living room. You were really close with him so he came in for a hug which you gladly returned. You then asked him to show you his rap verse and he did. You were a huge Mingi fan and everyone in Ateez knew that. So you unconsciously praised him more than you did Hongjoong, which didn't sit well with him. He held his breath and didn't cause a scene because 1) he knew you were supportive of the members and 2) Mingi was his and your friend and an outburst from Hongjoong would hurtyou both.

He controlled his feelings and became quiet which didn't go unnoticed by Mingi. Sensing that his friend was spacing out he excused himself, patted his shoulder and mouthed an 'I'm sorry' before leaving for his room.

Yunho

He had been wanting to see this movie with you but didn't get the chance to tell you because of his busy schedule. He knew you'd love it and all he wanted was for you to be happy. When he was done with album promotions and got a day off, he got the perfect chance to meet you for a movie date before going to his home town. So he came to your apartment. You were very excited to see him and wouldn't stop hugging him. You guys talked about random things and you told him what you were up to while he was busy.

"I really really missed you that day Yunho, I missed you so much I called my friends and cried to them about how much I miss you. So they came over and we went out. We went to KFC and had ice-cream from McDonald's later. Oh and then we went to see this new movie that came out. It was really good, you should watch it too. I'm very thankful to my friends for taking me out that day, the food and movie made me feel really better."

When Yunho heard you talking about the same movie he was about to ask you to see with him, he felt devastated. He didn't want to, but he got sensitive about it and felt bad.

"you could've called me, I would have taken you to see that movie."

"but I didn't want to disturb you, you were so busy doing your thing."

"didn't want to disturb me? or didn't want to see the movie with me? and rather see it with your friends."

"what's so wrong with seeing the movie with my friends? And you're the one who set this rule about not meeting up for dates while you were promoting."

"it was just a movie, I could've made time to take you to see it!"

You were silent for a moment.

"you're right Yunho, it's just a movie."

Yunho caught on with the hurt in your tone but was too clouded by his jealousy that he didn't stop there.

"maybe you should go out more often with Robin then." he said knowing Robin was nothing more than a close friend to you.

"Robin is my friend and you know that."

"sure. Didn't we start as friends too."

Your jaw dropped at his words.

"I'm out of here." he said in an annoyed tone and got up to leave. You followed him and tried stopping him.

"you're doing all this just because I watched that movie with my friends and not you?"

"I'm doing all this because your friends care about you more than I could, so why not get out of your way and make things easier for you." he said and slammed the door shut.

Yeosang

You visited their dorms to see Yeosang because he wasn't feeling well. He worked out too hard and his body was sore so you came to tend to him until he felt like he could move his body without discomfort. He was on his bed and you sat on the chair. He moved a little and you immediately got up to hold his hand.

"hey don't move, tell me what it is."

"it's okay I just needed water, I can reach for the glass."

"let me do it Yeosang, just stay still for now."

He had heart eyes and was thankful for you. You lifted his head and brought the glass to his lips. You gently rested his head back on the pillow and were about to get up when he grabbed your hand.

"I need something."

"what is it?"

"give me a kiss."

"oh God Yeosang! Do the guys know how cheesy you tend to get?"

"they don't need to know." he smiled.

You placed your hand on his chest and lowered yourself to kiss him but were interrupted by Wooyoung suddenly entering the room. You moved away from Yeosang but he still had a grip on your arm. Wooyoung stomped to his bed and sat with his head in his hands. Yeosang nudged you to bring your attention back to him but you were worried for Wooyoung. Yeosang let go of your arm when you turned to look at his friend.

"hey is everything okay?" you asked.

"no" Wooyoung answered. You got up before Yeosang could grab your arm again and sat next to Wooyoung, patting his back.

"what's up? you can tell me."

"she was cheating on me with my friend." he said with a shaky voice, wiping his tears.

Yeosang scoffed, earning a glare from you. He wanted to comfort his friend in a time like this but he acted on his jealousy instead. He wanted you to sit next to him and not Wooyoung.

"didn't I tell you she was faking it? didn't I tell you she loved Yedam and not you? but you were just too in love to listen to me."

"Yeosang!" you warned him.

Wooyoung lifted his head to look at Yeosang, showing his red tear stained face. Yeosang looked unfazed and stared back at him, now sitting up on his bed. You didn't help him up, too annoyed with the way he was reacting to his friend's horrid break up.

You made Wooyoung face you instead and squeezed his shoulder.

"good riddance. You don't need someone who would look at other men when she had you. Be thankful that you got out of this."

Wooyoung whimpered at your words. You wanted to hug him but you knew it wasn't right so you gestured for Yeosang to comfort him. He scoffed again and you mouthed for him to do it or else. Yeosang hissed a little while getting up, his body still sore.

"I'll leave you two to talk about this, while I get ice-cream for Wooyoung to cheer him up."

"thanks y/n, I appreciate it." Wooyoung said.

Yeosang looked at you in disbelief.

San

You and San made it official so it was time to formally introduce him to your best friends. They knew you were seeing a guy who was very loving and caring and had a very kind heart. They were very happy for you because he was the first man you dated in a long time after breaking up with your toxic ex boyfriend 6 years ago. They arranged a surprise party for him and it was just San, you and your three best friends, Stella, Mia and Eric.

You picked him up from his place and drove to the location your friends sent you. San was excited and nervous, something you knew he would feel because he wanted your friends to like him. When you got there he was a little flustered to see the surprise, a separate table for 5 people, drinks already on the table and pretty wall hangings. You squeezed his hand and walked to them. They met you two and congratulated you both. San flashed his bright smile, showing his dimples. Your friends teased you about how handsome he was, making him shy. He was a gentleman and it showed by how he treated you all.

You introduced them individually and they noticed how San didn't shake hands with Stella and Mia and instead put his hand on his chest and bowed politely. When you introduced Eric to him, they revealed that they used to be classmates from grade 6th to 8th before San's parents moved to another city because of his dad's job. They shook hands and San felt a little weird about how he slightly squeezed his hand, making him lock eyes with him. He saw the look in his eyes and it made him uncomfortable. San didn't want to think about it and disregarded it as something in his head.

While talking and having food, San noticed how Eric would talk to you about old times, as if showing off how close you two were. It made him very jealous but he didn't act on it and acted like it didn't bother him.

Eric decided to test the waters and brought up a particular topic.

"so San, how long did it take you to build that muscle? I remember you used to be skinny as hell!" he joked.

You knew San was insecure about his past self and that's why he worked so hard to earn his toned and buff body. You knew Eric was only joking so you didn't interfere.

"haha well I... I became very active in junior year in college and I got these muscles after practicing dancing every day for 4 years"

"damn you went to college skinny?"

Although Eric was joking, nobody liked the joke and before you say something, Mia spoke first.

"what's wrong with being skinny?"

Eric started snickering, "nothing, I just meant that San looked like a kid when he was skinny."

"you went to college with that attitude and that awful haircut, who're you telling what they looked like." you defended your boyfriend who could only laugh at this point. Eric laughed about it and then the subject was changed.

San could feel Eric glaring at him but he chose to ignore him and focused on you.

Mingi

Mingi was headover heals for you the moment he saw you but you didn't like him like that. He saw that but worked hard to get you to notice him. You did notice him and thought he was hot but you didn't see him as a suitable partner for you so you let him be. Mingi, however, was determined to get you to like him so he came to the cafe you worked at, whenever he was free. One time it was raining and you were not that busy since people weren't coming in because of the rain. It gave you time to sit back and relax and it wasn't your turn to clean the counters and tables so you sat at one of the tables and watched the rain peacefully. You heard the bell jingle, signalling someone had come in. You immediately got up to get to your station. You didn't expect to see Mingi there, setting his umbrella in a corner and coming to the counter with a smile on his face. He ordered two coffee cups and two fudge brownies. You perceived that he had to meet someone here. After paying for it, he sat at the table and waited for his order to come. When your coworker placed it on the tray, you took it and served it at his table. Mingi thanked you and smiled warmly. You got back to your station and watched as he sat quietly, not touching the food. After about 5 minutes Mingi called for a waiter and your coworker went to him. He asked her if people came in this weather to which she replied that the cafe was usually empty when it rained heavily so they weren't expecting customers and Mingi was probably the last customer of the day. He thanked her and she returned to her station. Mingi came to the counter after her.

"hey y/n? I uh asked your coworker and she said probably no one's going to come so I was wondering if you would uh maybe want to have coffee with me?"

You could tell he was nervous.

"your date didn't show up?" you teased, making Mingi's eyes widen.

"no no it's not like that. I was hoping you could be my date today haha I ordered the other coffee and brownie for you."

You thought it was cute of him and your coworker said she'll take the orders if anyone comes in so you accepted his request.

You talked with Mingi over warm food and got to know that he's actually a really sweet and intelligent guy, contrary to what you thought of him to be a dumb guy with accidental hot looks. Mingi enjoyed your company too. He was talking about the song he was working on when another coworker came out from the staff room and walked over to the table when he saw you there with Mingi. He tapped your shoulder to get your attention.

"slacking are we?" he asked.

"what's it to you? Go back to your rat hole and let me be."

"it's lonely in there." he fake pouted. You were annoyed. He sometimes tried flirting with you but you never showed interest. Mingi saw the exchange and was jealous of the dude.

"come on I'm waiting for you." the guy tried again.

"I think it's pretty clear she doesn't want to tag along so why don't you leave her alone buddy." Mingi sternly said. The guy had no choice but to leave.

You were thankful for Mingi's help, even though you would have easily told him off too, but something about Mingi doing it made you feel butterflies.

"I've seen his kind, they just don't know when to stop. Just smack him in the head next time he tries something." Mingi said making you giggle.

He felt accomplished to have made you laugh and deep down was dying to get your number.

Wooyoung

Wanting to pick up another style of dancing, Wooyoung enrolled himself in a dance academy. Aside from ATEEZ's activities, he really wanted to learn this style.

It was particularly hard for him to grasp so he spent any free time he got at the academy, practicing. 6 months in, he got close to a few people in the academy but he had no time to spare. He was determined to get it right this time around so he decided to stay until they told him to leave. After much hard work he got a hang of it so he took a little break to rest his body in order to dance again. He was passing by one of the classes he was drawn to the music and peeked through the glass door and saw a young woman in the dimly lit room, dancing the same dance he was learning. Her dance lines were flawless and she moved effortlessly. Wooyoung was blown away and couldn't resist going inside.

"wow you're amazing" he complimented, after the music stopped. He clapped for her.

She thanked him but hadn't faced him yet, she instead walked towards her laptop and played another track and danced to it. Wooyoung still hadn't seen her face but was absolutely hooked to the way she was dancing.

He watched attentively as she danced perfectly. He wanted to dance like that too. When she stopped and sat down to catch her breath, Wooyoung clapped for her again and went to hand her a bottle of juice. She finally turned to look at him. Wooyoung felt his chest tighten, finding it hard to breathe. He felt weak in the knees. She took the bottle from him and thanked him. Wooyoung sat beside her, pupils dilated. She'd be lying to herself if she said he had no effect on her. She felt giddy and warm by his gesture, not to mention he was hot too.

"can you teach me that dance some time?" he asked.

Seeing this as an opportunity to get to know him better she nodded.

Wooyoung smiled widely, "I'm Wooyoung by the way."

"oh I'm Senna." she smiled back. They sat in awkward silence, tension thick. Someone came inside and switched on the lights.

"damn it Senna I was gonna ask you to dance with me for the duo performance!" he whined. He looked like he was close to her and that made him unhappy and jealous.

"huh?" Senna was confused.

"wait you didn't pair up with him for the duo performance?"

Before Senna could tell him no, Wooyoung answered first.

"yeah she was showing me the dance just now."

Senna looked to Wooyoung but he kept up his act.

"come on we have to get this right." he said, holding her hand.

Jongho

Being the reserved person he is, he didn't find it easy to mingle with his colleagues in the kpop industry. He was too shy to walk up to people and introduce himself. He felt he was hopeless and would be the rich single uncle to his members' children in the future. He talked about this with Seonghwa and Hongjoong. They advised him to put his walls down and let someone in. He struggled with it still. One day they were practicing for their dance performance for Ateez's 7 year anniversary. Seonghwa was suffering in silence with Wooyoung and San messing around with him. He noticed a female bb trippin dancer occasionally glancing towards Jongho. Seeing the chance he escaped from the torment and went to talk to Jongho. He subtly brought Jongho closer to her and seized the opportunity.

"hey y/n we saw your performance video, I think it was really cool. Your technique is amazing. Don't you think Jongho."

"haha yeah I uh think it was really good. You're very talented."

"thank you." she said and bowed.

"I'll leave you two to it, maybe you could talk about common interests." Seonghwa said and took his leave. Jongho and y/n started talking and over time became comfortable. They met at every dance practice and grew closer. They exchanged numbers with Seonghwa's help and hit it off from there. They would meet within the company and have little 7/11 dates.

Y/N invited Jongho to watch her performance at bb trippin's dance studio. Jongho went with Seonghwa. Y/N was a passionate dancer and it showed. Her moves were clean and sharp. Jongho felt proud. There was one performance where y/n danced with a male dancer. Their chemistry was excellent and everyone cheered them in. Jongho felt jealous and looked away, clenching his jaw. Seonghwa noticed this and tried soothing him.

"it's only a performance Jongho." he smiled warmly.

Jongho broke out of his trance and listened to Seonghwa's words.

"you're right hyung, it's only a dance."

He understood that she was his and one performance won't mean otherwise.

[superblysubpar]

Jelly, jelly, jelly, jelly.

I don't even know where to begin. Cause like, I've already yelled all of this to you in text, I told you on the phone, I just gotta do it again. Already, this is meant to be on my bookshelf. This is a movie I want to put on every day and live in. Your writing and story telling have always left me in awe, but this series is something else. This story has a heart and life breathed into it that only you could bring to it, and it's all just SO real already, the emotions are just right there on the page (well, screen) and I can grab them and feel them. I cannot wait to continue to fall more deeply in love with this story, but I'm already smitten and I'll never ever not be annoying about how much I love it 💛

She tries her best, but she doesn't understand that friendships in the seventh grade aren't made as easily as they were in kindergarten, and you can't tell her that in the six weeks you've been enrolled at Hawkins Middle School, not a soul has spoken to you unless asked to by a teacher. 

As a girl who moved towns and schools completely in 6th grade this broke my heart 💛 Moving is already tough, but to do it so many times, at such a formative age, it sucks.

The mask is too heavy, and you’ve been wearing it far too long. If this were one of the comics you kept in the box under your bed, you'd be discovering your superpower–Invisibility. They don't see you here, and maybe they never would. 

The scuff of your white Doc Martens falls in step with the crunch of his black Converse hitting the pavement. The chain running from his back pocket to his hip sways with his movements. It’s more of a determined bounce than a walk. Your eyes stay trained on the frayed holes of his Jansport, corners of textbooks and papers pushing through. You keep waiting for physics to kick in and the thing to give way entirely.

Answering with a shrug, you risk a look back at him. Long eyelashes framing big doe eyes, a sweet face he tries to hide with a hard shell. He wears a mask, too. 

7TH GRADE TAYLOR WOULD BE PUTTING HIS NAME FOR EVERY FUCKING SLOT ON A GAME OF MASH LET ME TELL YOU. WE WILL LIVE IN A SHACK WITH 52 KIDS AND A HAMSTER.

"Flora?" She asks, picking up a drink for herself, "That was over a week ago." She dismisses her with a wave of the hand before running it through her wavy blonde streaked locks, "Sadly, she left for a goat herding commune in Sacramento. I've been seeing someone new, a painter named Taylor. She's on exhibit at Magnolia. Her florals are really dreamy." She bites an olive off the end of her toothpick, sighing.

Smiling around the lip of your glass, you shake your head. Robin works as an exhibit coordinator for Magnolia Gallery in Wicker Park, falling in and out of love with artists as quickly as she sells their pieces. You give her credit, she's having fun. 

“Hey, doll.”

Make that 53 kids.

The breath trapped in your lungs forms a suffocating bubble, its dull, aching pressure stifling any movement in or out, causing your body to lock in protest. You're tugged forward, unable to fight it, until your body collides with his. The faint but familiar scent of him embraces you, lingering beneath the spicy notes of expensive cologne. Triggering a flood of a hundred painful memories, like songs you’ve overplayed and can’t bear to hear again.

The others' voices are a distant buzz in your ears, but their words don't breach the barrier of your thoughts. The chords playing in your mind are more discernible now. Their lyrics printed onto the faded photographs of a boy that you struggle to reconcile as the man before you. He's older, but you are too. His long hair is much shorter, the dark curls a richer brown pushed away from his face. A few lines grace the corners of his eyes and forehead–a reminder of the life he's lived without you. 

When you lift your eyes, Eddie’s stare remains fixed on you, amusement replaced with an intensity you can’t read. An unfinished sentence or lyric. Words hanging between you like a question that you can't answer—one that you don’t want to.

Torn | Song 1 | Masterlist

Twelve years after Eddie Munson broke your heart for a life on the road with nothing but a mixtape as a goodbye, you finally feel like you have two feet on the ground. Engaged to Steve Harrington with the career of your dreams it feels like you’re going to have your happily ever after, but what happens when the boy that broke your heart comes back as a man with a revelation that changes everything?

TW: Femreader, Love🔺️, Smut, Mentions of DV, 18+ No minors WC:5162 beta'd by @superblysubpar

“Have a good day,” your mother calls out as you shut the front door to the gray clapboard-sided home that your parents had fallen in love with the moment they laid eyes on it. You hadn’t even gotten past the front steps before she appeared in the doorway, pulling her purple terry-cloth robe tighter around her shoulders as she called you back. “You don’t have to come right home after school,” she tells you, pressing a few folded bills into your hand, “Go out with your friends. Have some fun.”

“Thanks, Mom.” You muster up a smile, shoving the bills into the front pocket of your Levi's, certain they will end up in the ceramic pink elephant bank that sits atop your dresser, just like the money she gave you last week. She watches you walk down the steps, giving you a wave before she turns away, shutting the door behind her. 

She tries her best, but she doesn't understand that friendships in the seventh grade aren't made as easily as they were in kindergarten, and you can't tell her that in the six weeks you've been enrolled at Hawkins Middle School, not a soul has spoken to you unless asked to by a teacher. 

This was the life that your parents had chosen, a career that demanded constant relocation and upheaval. "It's an adventure," they'd tell you as your things were being packed into boxes. But the older you got, it felt less like an adventure and more like a test. A test to prove yourself over and over. There’s a phrase your mom has uttered so often over the years, that it's surprising it's not embroidered on the throw pillows. Bloom where you're planted. But here, in this town, you're only a weed in the garden.

Hawkins isn't any worse or better than any of the other ten places you've lived in the last seven years, but these kids have been together since birth and aren't eager to welcome newcomers into the flock. Pouring your efforts into being confident and friendly, projecting a cool and unbothered facade, the constant exposure has left you empty. The mask is too heavy, and you’ve been wearing it far too long. If this were one of the comics you kept in the box under your bed, you'd be discovering your superpower–Invisibility. They don't see you here, and maybe they never would. 

The edges of folded bills in your pocket press into the meat of your thigh. Adding them to your total should give you enough for the new Elastica CD.  With a bit of luck, you might be able to talk your dad into driving you to Tower Records in Indianapolis this weekend. A few houses away, the battered front door of a small yellow cape opens with a click and thud, drawing your attention. The house was more run-down than the others on this street. The grass was left to grow a little longer before being mowed, and a few nights a week, you could hear the yelling coming from inside before seeing the slow flash of lights of a cruiser parked in front. 

A boy with curly shoulder-length hair bounds out from inside the house, slinging on his worn backpack as he hits the sidewalk.

Right on time this morning. 

The scuff of your white Doc Martens falls in step with the crunch of his black Converse hitting the pavement. The chain running from his back pocket to his hip sways with his movements. It’s more of a determined bounce than a walk. Your eyes stay trained on the frayed holes of his Jansport, corners of textbooks and papers pushing through. You keep waiting for physics to kick in and the thing to give way entirely.

“Quit following me.” 

His voice floats over his shoulder, shattering the quiet of the morning. Your head swivels from side to side, looking for whoever he is speaking to. His body turns until he’s walking backward, both hands gripping the straps of his backpack, casting his expectant brown eyes on you. 

“Me?” You ask, touching your chipped painted fingernails to your chest.

“You’ve been following me for weeks, and it’s creepy.”

“I’m not following you,” you say incredulously, “We’re just going to the same place.”

“Well, walk on the other side of the street or something,” he says, turning back around, continuing on his way like he assumes you’ll comply.

“No.” 

Your defiance comes out flat and solid, drawing a line, sick of him and this whole town.

“Yes,” the word comes back without a glance, utterly unbothered by your show of determination.

“No,” you repeat louder, your eyebrows pulling together in a scowl, “If you don’t like it, you walk over there.”

“I was here first.”

“Seriously?” The anger in your chest turns to heat, rising up your neck and settling in your face. Your mouth opens, ready to unleash the venom sitting on the tip of your tongue when he stops walking.

“Might as well walk beside me then.”

Surprise melts the words in your mouth as your feet carry you forward until you’re close enough to see the freckles covering his nose. His eyes stay forward as his stride lines up with yours, moving forward at a more relaxed pace. A light breeze rustles the leaves of the Maples lining the street. The sound of your footsteps is interrupted by the occasional passing car. 

“You’re in seventh, right? You got Schnider?” He asks, his eyes darting to your face.

“Yeah.” You nod, looking down at your boots.

"Bad luck. She's a real bitch. I had her last year."

Answering with a shrug, you risk a look back at him. Long eyelashes framing big doe eyes, a sweet face he tries to hide with a hard shell. He wears a mask, too. 

Your brain’s on overload for the rest of the day—thoughts of the boy coloring away the hours like a secret, overanalyzing every bit of your interaction. When the shrill sound of the final bell rings, you join the current of students, gathering your belongings and exiting the building in a wave.

The fresh air is a welcome escape from the stuffy classroom as you cross behind the school past the football field, heading toward the path through the woods where the boy is lingering just beyond the gate, digging through his pack but coming up with nothing like maybe he had been waiting. Without a word, he falls into step beside you. When you look at him, this time, he meets your eyes. The sunlight flickers through the swaying leaves as your footsteps resonate through the trees as you continue together.

"I guess I'll see you tomorrow," his voice cuts the quiet air when you reach the front steps of his house, his tone revealing a hint of uncertainty. 

"I'll be headed the same way," you answer.

He turns away from you, pausing with his foot on the top step, looking up at his house before looking back at you. 

"I'm Eddie, by the way," he offers, his cheeks pinking at the vulnerability his words carry.

"I know," you respond, a small smile gracing your lips as you continue home.

"Shit. Shit. Shit," you mutter, tucking your phone into your clutch and bolting up the marble steps to the second floor of the Kimpton Grey Hotel. Composing yourself as you pass through the lobby and open the double doors into Vol.39. The bar exudes timeless elegance with its dim, warm light shining on the dark-wood accents. Vintage jazz playing through hidden speakers, sounding like smoke and liquor. Everything here is steeped in leather, old money, and sophistication. It's no surprise that Nancy chose it. 

"You're late," Nancy says flatly, no amusement in the blue eyes framed by the blunt cut of her black, sleek hair as she glances at her watch with disapproval.

"Sorry." You slide into the open seat on the tufted couch across from her, adjusting the material of your dark emerald midi skirt so the slit wouldn't be showing off too much thigh, "There was traffic." It definitely wasn’t the extra half hour you spent with your feet up on your desk at Stax listening to the new release from Band of Horses.

"This is Chicago. There's always traffic," she counters, keeping her voice low enough that it doesn't travel past the lit bookshelves lined with leather-bound encyclopedias framing the seating area that your friends are currently occupying. "That's why I gave you a time a week ago. So you could plan ahead."

"She’s in a mood," Argyle says from the corner of his mouth, his hair falling around him like a curtain as he leans closer from the velvet upholstered club chair beside you. 

"Where's Steve?" Nancy demands, setting down her crystal tumbler on the gray marble table in the center of the space.

"He's not here?" you ask, scanning the bar. "It was Robin’s turn to watch him."

"Me?" Robin exhales from the other end of the couch she shares with Nancy.

"You're his best friend," you point out with a quirk of your brow.

"Yeah, but you're his–"

"I don't know why I bother to organize nights out for all of us if no one is going to be on time," Nancy cuts off Robin, huffing as she crosses her slender arms over her chest.

"It will be fine, Nance," Johnathan reassures, coming back from the bar carrying a flight of martinis he sets down in the center of the table. "Just relax. Everyone's going to be here in plenty of time." He takes the seat beside her, comforting her with his arm around her shoulder. 

Nancy and Johnathan have been on again-off again since she left Hawkins for school in Boston. Rekindling their relationship when she moved to Chicago and accepted a position at Spectrum Media, where she still works as their vice-president of content strategy. 

"Plenty of time for what?" You ask, leaning forward to choose a martini, picking the Astoria with a knot of lemon. 

"There's a mystery guest," Robin says, wriggling her brows and hooking her thumb towards Nancy. “Full of surprises, isn't she?”

"Where's Flora tonight?" You ask Robin, noticing she is without an escort. 

"Flora?" She asks, picking up a drink for herself, "That was over a week ago." She dismisses her with a wave of the hand before running it through her wavy blonde streaked locks, "Sadly, she left for a goat herding commune in Sacramento. I've been seeing someone new, a painter named Taylor. She's on exhibit at Magnolia. Her florals are really dreamy." She bites an olive off the end of her toothpick, sighing. 

Smiling around the lip of your glass, you shake your head. Robin works as an exhibit coordinator for Magnolia Gallery in Wicker Park, falling in and out of love with artists as quickly as she sells their pieces. You give her credit, she's having fun. 

"Did you text him?" Nancy asks, her lips twisting with impatience. The tense clench of her jaw has you setting down your drink and reaching for your clutch with no arguments. "Do you know how hard it was to get this reservation?"

"Then why are we here?" Argyle complains, gesturing around the room while he slumps back in his chair, swirling the amber liquid in his glass with the other. "You know I own like six bars, right? No reservations required."

"But then you'd be working," Nancy explains, as Argyle smoothes out his handlebar mustache.

"I'm always working, babe," Argyle says with a smirk, looking the part of a restaurateur and music promoter in his shiny flat-front trousers and short-sleeved silk shirt. 

Argyle is a new friend - meaning not from Hawkins. The California transplant, whose family owns a chain of successful pizza restaurants, has breathed new life into the Chicago music scene. Booking up-and-coming acts as well as big names into his bars and venues all across the city. He's a good friend to have, especially in your line of work–a music journalist for Stax the city's premiere music, arts, and culture magazine.

“He’s on his way,” you inform them, setting your phone face down on the table before settling back on the couch.

“On his way or leaving now?” Nancy shakes her head, knowing with Steve it’s probably the latter. “Why didn’t you ride with him?” She asks, turning toward Jonathan.

“I wasn’t in the office today. I was on a shoot,” he says, pulling his arm away from her and setting his drink down harder than necessary, his patience with her at an end. 

Jonathan, like you and Steve, works for the conglomerate Second City Media. Nancy likes to think that she permits the three of you to work for her competitor, but Steve had already gotten his foot in the door, securing himself an entry-level position at Metro Sports division before she was even out of grad school. Jonathan had been doing alright freelancing as a photographer, but when Nancy started at Spectrum, Second City recognized their competitor would wind up with an edge and hired him on as full-time staff. Everyone knows it's better for their relationship not to be working in the same place, especially with Nancy as his boss.

“Give us some clues about this mystery guest,” Robin interjects to lower the temperature between the couple, which is ready to boil over.

"Okay, I'm here." Steve comes from behind you, his voice alerting you to his arrival before you see him. His tie is already missing, the first three buttons of his starched shirt undone beneath his midnight blue suit, and his hair tousled from a day of running his hands through.

"Really, Steve? You couldn't be on time just this once?" Nancy scolds him, rolling her eyes.

"Meeting ran late. You know how it is," he leans down to kiss her cheek,"Or maybe you don't. I heard things are a bit slow over there at Spectrum," he teases, earning a smirk from Johnathan. 

Steve worked his way up from the sports division to chief content officer for Second City Media. The position puts him just shy of the power Nancy holds at Spectrum, fueling the pair's competitive and ambitious nature until their bickering often drives everyone else crazy.

"Steve," Robin draws his attention before Nancy gets the chance to respond, "About tomorrow–"

"Just a minute, Robin. I haven't gotten to kiss my beautiful wife hello." He steps over Argyle's legs and gives the man a quick handshake in greeting before sitting next to you on the sofa.

"I'm not your wife yet, handsome," you tell him as his strong hands cup your cheeks, tipping your head up toward him. 

"But it sounds good, doesn't it?" He asks before soft lips close over yours, his thumb pressing on your chin, asking for access to deepen the kiss beyond the line that's appropriate in front of company. 

"Niiiice," Argyle hums as the others snicker. Steve takes a hand off your cheek, holding it in front of you to block some of their views as his mouth moves hotly over yours. 

"God, you two are sickening," Nancy's remark is probably accompanied by an eye roll, but you're too occupied to notice as you tighten your grip on the front of Steve's shirt, drawing him nearer.

Four of his fingers curl down, giving Nance a one-fingered message as he continues to kiss you until he's had his fill. Breaking away with a gentle peck. "How was your day today, Ace? Did you write me a Pulitzer?" 

"You ask me that every day."

Despite teasing you, he wouldn't be surprised if you had what it takes. That's how much he believes in you. He takes your hand, bringing your knuckles to his lips to place a kiss next to the glittering diamond he put on your hand a little over two years ago. 

"Excuse you." Robin climbs over Argyle's legs that are still stretched out in front of him, taking up all the space between the chairs and the table, and walks over to the couch, squeezing her way onto the sofa between you and Steve, "Best friend privileges." She winks before launching into a conversation about the next exhibit she's putting together.

"You two crazy kids set a date yet?" Argyle asks at a volume higher than you'd prefer. Raising your index finger to your lips, eyebrows drawing together as your eyes flick over to Steve.

"I'm just making sure my invite didn't get lost in the mail," he says, sipping his drink. "I love weddings, man—all those tiny little versions of regular-sized food. Maybe I should open a restaurant like that, where everything is tiny. Tiny little kebabs and tiki drinks with tiny little umbrellas. I don't know what's taking you so long. You need to make an honest man out of him." His voice grows louder at the end of his sentence, earning him another look from you, a distraction that diverts Steve's attention from his conversation.

The waitress chooses that moment to appear, saving you from another conversation about setting a wedding date. It's not that you don't want to marry him–you do. Someday. Decisiveness has never been your strong suit, along with dressing up in big puffy dresses that look like frosting and being on display for everyone you have ever known and their plus ones. 

While Steve squints down at the drink menu, fondness warms you like the opening notes of your favorite song. Reaching across Robin, you tap his chest. He looks over at you as he pulls a pair of glasses from his breast pocket and slides them on his nose.

Your lips move without sound–I love you.

You too, he mouths back. His mossy eyes softening as he smiles just for you. 

You're happy. Why change a thing?

“I’ll have an old-fashioned. Top shelf. Please,” Steve tells the waitress after she had gone around taking orders for small plates to share and more cocktails from the others. “Another Martini?” He raises his eyebrows at you.

“Yes, please. An Astoria,” you tell her as she finishes scribbling everything down on her pad and heads off toward the bar to put in your orders. 

“The ladies?” You tip your head at Robin, who nods, getting up to follow you. Steve squeezes your hand as you walk by as he continues his conversation with Nancy about the effectiveness of paywalls on digital content.

“God, she’s in rare form,” Robin comments as you enter the empty ladies' room, each of you closing yourself into a stall.

“Are she and Jonathan fighting again?” You ask once you’ve finished up and moved to the sink to wash your hands. The echo of your voices bouncing off the black and white hexagon tiles.

“When aren’t they fighting?” She pulls a few paper towels from the machine bolted to the wall and drys her hands. “It’s like foreplay for them at this point.”

You laugh, checking under your eyes for make-up smears. “Any ideas about this mystery guest?”

“No idea.” She tugs the brass handle of the door open, and you follow her back into the bar. “Maybe her brother?” 

“That would be nice,” you say, your boot heels tapping on the dark chevron floors, “He just got married, right?”

“So young, practically still a baby,” she tuts, her head shaking from side to side.

“Robin, he’s not that-”

Robin's hand clamps onto your forearm, a squeal escaping her mouth as excitement radiates through her. She bounces on her toes, leaving you in her wake. Whoever elicited such a reaction is being blocked by Steve and Jonathan. When she gracefully maneuvers past them, you catch a fleeting glimpse of dark curls before the two men shift back into place, obscuring your view once more. The clinking of glasses and chatter from the other patrons swells in your ears. Your feet carry you forward, curiosity resonating like the reverb of a guitar. Steve feels you coming up behind him and shifts to the side. Without warning, rich chocolate eyes are locked onto yours. Eyes you haven’t seen in eleven years when he left you a mixtape instead of a goodbye. The eyes of the man that shattered your heart into so many pieces, all the edges are still sharp. 

“Hey, doll.”

The breath trapped in your lungs forms a suffocating bubble, its dull, aching pressure stifling any movement in or out, causing your body to lock in protest. You're tugged forward, unable to fight it, until your body collides with his. The faint but familiar scent of him embraces you, lingering beneath the spicy notes of expensive cologne. Triggering a flood of a hundred painful memories, like songs you’ve overplayed and can’t bear to hear again. They jar your instincts into overriding the shock, compelling you to push him away. Eddie's solid frame absorbs the force. To your relief, the others haven't noticed as you retreat to your seat. Your trembling hand raises your martini to your lips, taking larger swallows than you normally would, but nothing with this situation is normal. 

"Desperate times," you mutter under your breath, tipping back your glass. By the time everyone has settled back into their seats, your martini glass stands drained, the lingering taste of its contents  bittersweet on your tongue.

Steve directs the waitress to bring another drink for you and a double Mescal for Eddie. The others' voices are a distant buzz in your ears, but their words don't breach the barrier of your thoughts. The chords playing in your mind are more discernible now. Their lyrics printed onto the faded photographs of a boy that you struggle to reconcile as the man before you. He's older, but you are too. His long hair is much shorter, the dark curls a richer brown pushed away from his face. A few lines grace the corners of his eyes and forehead–a reminder of the life he's lived without you. 

Steve's comforting hand wraps around your shoulders while the other finds a home sliding between the soft skin where your legs are crossed, exposed by the high slit of your skirt. Eddie's eyes are on you, his stare focused on Steve's big hand covering half your thigh. Your left hand moves on top of Steve's, adjusting to make sure the sparkling rock on your finger gleams with brilliance in the soft, ambient light.

"Well, this is a blast from the past," Robin notes, her voice full of whimsy as she dangles her cocktail glass between two fingers, swaying it gently like a pendulum.

"Aren't you all glad I forced you to come out?" Nancy quips, much more relaxed now that her plan has come to fruition.

"You did good, love," Johnathan murmurs. His fingers tangling with hers before giving her a quick peck. 

"Absolutely. I wouldn't have wanted to miss this," Steve agrees, "How long has it been, dude? Three, four years?"

"Yeah, I think that was the last time you were in L.A." Eddie scratches at his chin, covered with just enough scruff to almost be a beard. 

Steve keeps in touch with Eddie? Had he told you when you hadn't been paying attention to him, your mind wandering with the words you would write for other people's songs?

"Now, I know that I told you only old friends," Nancy says, angling herself towards the plaid upholstered chair that Eddie occupies. "But Argyle knows all the local talent, and I thought he'd be a good connection to have since you're moving here."

"What?" You ask, as if a sudden vacuum has just sucked the air from the room.

"You're moving here?" Robin's eyes light up with excitement at the prospect of all her friends in the same city. She was the original connection that brought you together all those years ago. 

"When you say here. You mean Hawkins, right? You're moving back to Hawkins," you clarify.

"No. I mean here. I'm moving to Chicago," Eddie says, leaning back into his chair, his long legs spread in his tailored black suit, the black v-neck underneath giving off a laid-back California vibe. "I told those corporate studio fucks I was done. I'm opening my own place to record music that's actually good, not just the kind that will sell. I'm surprised you don't know all this, doll. Isn't it supposed to be your job or something?"

“Fu–”

"Why Chicago?" Jonathan asks, cutting you off before you let loose a very appropriate response to his question, "Why not stay in L.A. or New York. Aren't there music scenes bigger than here?"

Eddie tips his head to the side, his fingers tracing the rim of his glass. "You know, L.A.'s lost its charm for me. Too many fake people made out of plastic. And, well, Wayne's not getting any younger. Thought it's about time to be closer, you know?"

“You'd be much closer in Hawkins. Bet you could find a place downtown real cheap. You should go look there.” You cross your arms over your chest, drawing a line in the sand. 

“Hawkins doesn’t really scream rock ‘n’ roll, and I already got a place, but thanks,” he says, unconcerned as ever by your tone.

“Look at you two,” Robin says, clapping her hands, “Just like old times, back to your usual banter." Her mischievous grin widens, "Remember when she had that massive crush on you, Eddie? You’d stroll into Musicland during our shift, and she’d follow you around with those big heart eyes.”

Your ears ring as heat rushes up to your neck to your cheeks,the whole world spinning. Eddie looks down, swirling the remnants of gold liquid in his crystal-cut glass.

“You’re exaggerating, Robin,” you sputter, reaching for your drink, hiding behind the lip of the glass, “We were just friends. And it couldn’t have been too major. I don’t even remember it.”

“Oh, come on,” she protests, “Everybody knew.”

"I didn't," Steve's voice cuts through her teasing, leaving an awkward stillness in its wake. The distant sounds of high-pitched laughter and the faint scrape of utensils against plates fill the void. Your friends exchange uncomfortable glances, even though there was no malice in his tone.

“Hey, it’s no big deal, though,” his smile puts everyone at ease. “Right, Ace?” His head dips, brushing your lips in confirmation. You nod as he continues, “Robin, remember when we both went on dates with the same girl. What was her name? Brenda.” His fingers snap with the recollection.

“That’s right, Brenda! Brenda Mackenzie!” Robin laughs and begins to regale the group with the story.

When you lift your eyes, Eddie’s stare remains fixed on you, amusement replaced with an intensity you can’t read. An unfinished sentence or lyric. Words hanging between you like a question that you can't answer—one that you don’t want to.

“I’m going for another drink,” you say to Steve, picking up your empty glass. 

“Do you want me to come with you?” He asks, brows drawing together.

“No, I’m okay,” you tell him with a plastered-on smile, “You want anything?”

He shakes his head no. “I let my car service go early. I’ll drive us home in your car.”

With gentle fingers, you sweep aside a stray lock of hair that's draped across his forehead, planting a tender kiss on his lips before making your way to the bar. 

There is a soft creak of the leather as you seat yourself on a high stool in front of the polished wood bar. A bartender with an easy smile takes your order and leaves, giving you a much needed moment alone. Your lungs expand and contract without releasing any tension. You study your reflection in the mirror behind the rows of brightly lit bottles. If you could rewind the tape to a few hours ago, you'd have happily stayed in your office. Calling Nancy tomorrow to grovel for forgiveness for messing up her plans. But you can’t and the song plays on. It’s always the music that hurts the worst.

You release an audible sigh, your breath escaping through parted lips, as he settles onto the stool beside you. With a casual tap of his rings against the bar, he signals for the bartender, raising a single finger, his tongue peeks out, grazing his bottom lip as he gestures toward his empty glass.

"What’s the matter, doll? You really that unhappy to see me?" Eddie drawls, a half-smile tugging at the corners of his lips.

"It’s been eleven years, Eddie. Sorry I’m not organizing a parade." You settle back into your seat, glancing around as if you're bored.

The bartender lowers his eyes as they deliver your drinks and wisely retreats to the far end of the establishment.

"I didn’t come here to fight," Eddie replies, his tone softening. He shifts his weight slightly on the stool, one arm resting casually on the counter, the glint of a gold chain around his neck catching the dim light.

"Then why are you here?" Your eyes narrow as your fingers trace the condensation on the side of the full glass.

"A fresh start. To build something of my own." He looks at you with determination, his dark eyes reflecting the soft glow of the bar lights.

"Then build it somewhere else," you respond curtly, your words laced with frustration. You pick up your drink and down half of it in one go, the chilled liquid leaving a slight burn as it slides down your throat. Setting the glass back down, you turn to leave.

He stops you with a gentle hand wrapping around your wrist, his touch causing your pulse to quicken beneath his fingertips. "There are some things I want to say to you. Let me take you to lunch unless Harrington has got you on too short of a leash."

You pull your wrist back, the feel of his touch lingering like smoke in the air. "Whatever you have to say has waited this long, try again in another decade. Unless you're dying."

"Would it make a difference if I was?" He meets your gaze with amusement playing on his lips.

"Let me think about it… nope." Your reply is quick and sharp, meant to cut.

"I know you're mad–" 

"No. Mad would imply some kind of emotional attachment. What I feel is indifference. In case you don't know the definition, that means nothing at all." Your voice stays cool and detached as you hop off the stool. "It's a big city, Eddie. There's no reason we have to see each other again." 

"We'll have to see about that," he smirks. 

"Have a nice life," you say a final goodbye to your past and turn away, walking in the direction of Steve when he stops you with one more question.

"Did you listen to it? The tape, did you ever listen?" 

The lie comes without hesitation. 

“No.”

Song 2. Coming soon. Follow @tornupdates & turn on notifications

AN: I hope you had as much fun reading this as I did writing it. If you have a song that you think Eddie would have recorded on the mixtape send it to me in an ask and it might be included. Anything before 2001. I'd love to hear from you. Comments and Reblogs are always appreciated.

[edream93]

To All Those I’ve Ever Loved Before - Part 2 (Huma AU)

I LIVE!!!! Here's Part 2 of the To All The Boys Huma AU I started years ago. You can also read it here on A03 and also here on FF.net. You can also read Part 1 here on Tumblr.

Before The Letters Went Out, First Day of School

Life after Harriet went to France for college was weird.

Though Jay still sent random memes to Harry, he had stopped coming by the Hook household, and the few times they had unintentionally bumped into each other in town had been awkward and seemingly forced at best. Harry was frustrated and honestly, a bit hurt, but he really couldn’t blame Jay. When they had first started dating, Harriet had done the unthinkable and had made the infamous playboy Jay change his ways. If that wasn’t telling about how much Jay liked his sister, then Harry didn’t know what else could. It would take a while for his friend to get over his sister. Harry just hoped that Jay getting over Harriet didn’t mean that he lost the most important person to him outside of his family.

“Um, are you just going to sit there like a zombie, or are you going to drive us to school?” CJ snapped him out of his daze from her place in the passenger seat. “Because I mean, I’m not against cutting school, but could we at least go somewhere fun?”

“Shut up,” Harry sighed as he put the car that he used to share with Harriet into drive, tuning CJ out as she complained about how boring 6th grade was going to be. Less than half an hour later, CJ was dropped off at school, and Harry found himself entering the halls of Auradon High.

The halls were filled with people. Teachers making their way to their classes with large coffee-filled thermoses. Students comparing schedules with each other for the umpteenth time. Jay at his locker, making eye contact with Harry when he looked up.

It felt like the world had slowed down when their eyes met, Harry holding his breath, wondering if Harriet breaking up with him meant that Jay didn’t want to be friends with Harry any longer. But then Jay flashed him a smile. It wasn’t as big as it usually was, but Harry found himself smiling back, feeling a little more confident that maybe, things wouldn’t have to change between them.

He was still smiling at Jay, turning to walk backward to keep the other boy in his sight for just a bit longer when he bumped into someone, pushing them into their locker.

“Hey! Watch it!” a familiar voice shrieked.

It took a lot of effort for Harry to not roll his eyes at her attitude and walk away, but Harriet had literally beaten into him to always be a gentleman, even with arrogant brats like Audrey Rose, his ex-best friend who stood before him in all her powder pink glory.

“Sorry, Audrey,” Harry sighed, hoping a quick apology would end things quicker.

“Oh, you would be sorry if you got any of that damn fishy smell from that hand-me-down leather jacket of yours on my new outfit!” Audrey hissed, nose scrunching in distaste.

Harry grinned, ready to let out a cutting retort when a slim arm hung itself off of his left shoulder. “God, Audrey. Let’s just be honest, Harry has better style and can whip out a better eyeliner wing than you’ll ever be able to dream of, Princess.”

Mal, Harry’s second-best friend, and Audrey’s worst enemy, grinned as Audrey’s face squished up in anger before she spun on her heels and angrily stumped away, students quickly moving to the side to get out of her way. “And people call me a dragon-bitch,” Mal chuckled, removing her arm from Harry’s shoulder before looping it with his.

“Ye do know I could have handled that, right?” Harry essentially pouted as Mal tugged his arm, leading him to their first class.

“And pass up on an opportunity to piss little Miss Priss off?” Mal scoffed. “No way!”

Harry snorted as he tried to hold back laughter. “Don’t come complain’ to me when the Powder Puff tries to scratch your eyes out with those perfectly manicured nails of hers in your sleep.”

Mal snorted tugging on his arm down the hall. “Like she would try. Besides,” she paused, looking at him from the corner of her eyes, “didn’t you hear? Audrey and Uma split up again over the break so she’s been spending more time at her dad’s place. Aurora is worried because Audrey won’t talk to her and mom is brooding because Aurora is worried, and-”

“And what about you?” Harry asked with a frown, stopping them in the middle of the hall.

Mal’s expression was blank before she smirked. Despite Audrey and her mother having moved in with Mal and her mom after Audrey’s parent’s very public divorce at the start of seventh grade, Mal never really shared much about her actual feelings in regards to her pseudo-step-sister outside of the usual barbs Mal tossed out when Audrey crossed paths with Harry. “I’m just happy that I can take a shower without all the hot water being used up for once,” she answered with a smirk before tugging him along once again behind her.

Fine, if she doesn’t want to talk about it, Harry thought, I’m not going  to force the lass. Glancing over his shoulder and no longer seeing Jay anywhere in sight, Harry sighed. He already had his own drama to worry about.

---

The beginning of junior year was relatively uneventful save for just how weird and off things felt between Harry and Jay during the first two weeks. They still met up every Tuesday and Thursday for lunch on the bleachers, but conversation felt stilted and slow between them, the once easy dialogue between them gone.

“Ugh,” Jay finally threw up his hands one day during their lunch. Harry who had been trying to balance an empty water bottle on his finger startled at the loud noise. “This shouldn’t be weird. We’re not weird. Just because things between Harriet and me are- are-”

“Sunken like the Titanic?” Harry tried to finish, earning himself a none too gentle punch in the arm.

“Shut up, dummy,” Jay said, though his tone had no heat. “As I was saying before, I was so rudely interrupted. Even though things didn’t work out between Harriet and me, you’re still my best friend,” he said so softly. And oh no, that funny feeling like dolphins doing flips on steroids in Harry’s stomach started up again like it usually did when big tough Jay showed this rare soft and vulnerable side of himself.

Hoping his cheeks weren’t a prominent red, Harry cleared his throat, looking down at where his hand was so close to Jay’s on the bleachers. It wouldn’t have been the first time they held hands, both boys very comfortable with showing each other physical affection since they were young, even until now. But as Harry sat there with Jay’s attention entirely on him, he couldn’t help but feel like if he reached out and held Jay’s hand, something would fundamentally shift between them. And despite the edgy, devil-may-care personality that Harry attempted to give off, everything felt like it was happening so suddenly, changing quicker than he could keep up with. Couldn’t everything just stay the same?

Licking his lips to give him one extra second to compose himself, Harry grinned easily at Jay, throwing an arm around the other boy in a way that only years of casual friendship would allow.

“And you call me the dummy. Of course, I’m still your best friend! Who else do ye think will deal with your annoying arse?”

A snort-like laugh escaped Jay’s mouth as he pushed playfully against Harry. “Asshole. Hey, did you catch that new movie last night?”

And just like that, the awkwardness eased. Jay was still healing from his breakup with Harriet, but Harry was just happy to have his friend back. That was enough. Things had changed, like Harriet being on the other side of the world, but despite that, Harry felt like this school year would be just like any other school year. Harriet would find some way to hark him about his math grades. Mal would continue to sneak off campus for her strawberry smoothie fix. Audrey would still be stuck up bitch. And Jay…devilishly handsome Jay would be right by his side for whatever junior year had in store for them.

Harry firmly believed that right up until the next day when Uma Tritaea shoved him against a locker with one hand gripping his collar, a familiar envelope with her name on it, written in his handwriting being shoved into his face with the other.

“You better start explaining what the hell you’re up to with sending me this letter, Hook!” she snarled, brown eyes lit with righteous fury.

Blanching, Harry’s mind short-circuited. How? Was the only word that went through his mind. How?

Before he could even figure out what to say or even ask her how she had gotten the letter that admittedly was written to her detailing all the embarrassing details of his little seventh-grade crush on her but was never actually meant for her to ever read, he saw Jay walking towards them over Uma’s shoulder. Relief bloomed in Harry’s chest before cold dread instantly set in. Another familiar letter that Harry instantly knew had Jay’s name written on it in his own damning handwriting and that described much more recent details of Harry’s crush on him in his hand.

HOW?!?!

Hours later, alone in his room, Harry would wonder what the hell was going through his head with what he did next. Looking from Jay’s almost unreadable expression as he approached closer to Uma’s enraged one, Harry didn’t think. Just acted.

And that was how he found his lips pressed against a suddenly frozen Uma’s for their second kiss, Harry’s second kiss he had first been kissed by her in that game of truth or dare back in seventh grade. At that moment, Harry realized two things at that moment: 1.) Uma was going to kill him and 2.)...her lips still tasted like her favorite gummy fish candy.

[gra-sonas]

Hi friend. Thank you so much for your offer!!!! I am torn because I would honestly love a rundown of the vlamburn live, but I again don’t want you to put yourself out too much. Knowing you even spent an hour on the Vlamis one makes me feel bad!!! Maybe if you get bored haha, I would love it but please please don’t put yourself out and please also take as much time as you want, no hurry at all IF you decide to do it. Thank you again for everything 💗💗

Okay, nonnie, this took a tad longer to transcribe, but it’s done, now.

Putting the transcript behind a READMORE bc it got quite long. Hope this will help you (and maybe others, too). Sending much love your way, and I hope you get to watch the live. Happy Sunday! ❤️

Vlamis: *goes live* *opens can of Mountain Dew* “I’m gonna thirst my quench. Because I am thirsty for Malex. That’s what I’m thirsty for.”

“Where you at Tyler” (waiting for Tyler to request him)

Vlamis notices a few of his friends have joined the live (a girl who gave him his first hug in 6th grade, and Parker Seaman, famously responsible for pranking with SunBum)

“What’s up, Vlambase?” Makes sure to differentiate between *the* Vlambase (that’s us) and Vlambase (the merch company).

*spots Jeanine in the chat* “Jeanine’s the Real Vlam. We had fun shooting together today. They said they needed to get better focus on Vlam, and nobody knew which one they were talking about because Jeanine and I had a scene together.”

“Tyler? Guys, does anyone see him? Get in here, Tyler.” *looks straight into the camera*

“Oh, he requested, there he is.” *keeps walking around his house until Tyler pops up on screen eventually*

V “Ohhhhh, there he is!”

T “I was listening to you saying ‘where is he?’ And I was like ‘I’m here, I’ve requested you already’.”

V “A lot of people requesting. You’re very popular.”

T “Yeah, that’s why.”

Both zoom in on the merch they’re wearing. Vlamis the black MALEX hoodie, Tyler the black COSMIC hoodie. Tyler’s also wearing a MALEX hat tho.

V “Whose handwriting do you like better?”

T “Honestly, yours reminds me of the writing from FRIENDS, the show, FRIENDS.”

V “That’s right, you told me that before. I love that.”

T “I don’t really have a favorite. I think we’re unique in our own way.”

V “I like yours.”

T “You do?”

V “Yeah, like it’s prettier, dude.” *drinks more Mountain Dew

T “No, yours is nice.” *nods to show the MALEX hat* “That’s yours, right?”

V “Yeah, that’s me.”

Vlamis explains, that they both tried different versions of MALEX and COSMIC in their respective handwriting and ultimately settled on what’s been released (with the help of Jesa).

V “3 minutes in, do we have enough people? Oh, lots of friends here.”

T “Jeanine!”

V “We love you, Jeanine!”

V “Oh, Tanner’s up in here. What up, Tanner? Big brother Greg!”

T “Big brother Greg?”

V “Yeah, Tanner’s in there.”

T “All the hearts. Oh yeah, Tanner, my buddy! I thought that was one of your friends from Chi-town”

V “[girl who hugged Vlamis in 6th grade] she says ‘love me some Tyler’ She’s getting in there.”

Vlamis says they have a list of questions, and they want to answer some of them before they talk about anything else.

V “Sounds good?”

T “Hell yeah .”

“Each of you, describe S3 Malex in one word”

T “You go first.”

V “I’m scared to go first.” *another sip of Mountain Dew*

T *perks up* “You’re literally drinking Mountain Dew right now?”

V *cracks up*

T “You remember what I said about your health? And I was like ‘you don’t really drink that shit.’ And you were like *impersonates Vlamis* ’no, no, no’”

V *cracks up some more* “You thought I just got it for the photoshoot.”

T “Yeah.”

V *drinks more Mountain Dew*

T “That’s disgusting!”

V “I know, dude.” *laughs* “You’re like a health freak. But man, it’s diet. It’s diet.”

T *mock relieved* “Oh, good.”

Back to answering questions.

T “So, S3 Malex.”

V “The reason it’s hard is because we only know up to episode 3x06 as of right now. So we don’t even know fully S3 Malex.”

T “Exactly, yeah. I mean, thus far, I would sayyyyy— tension.”

V “Woooow. Okay. I agree. You know what I’m gonna say?”

T “What?”

V “With the tension, I think there’s a hopefulness. So I would say hopeful.”

T *ponders* “Okay. Okay. Now is that you talking about your feelings about Malex?”

V *laughs*

T “Like you’re hopeful?”

V “Yeah, dude. Sometimes I feel bad like just being so about Malex. But— give me Malex or give me death, man. I love Malex.”

T “Hell yeah. I think we’ve gotten some great scenes and then people really respond to them whether they are themselves queer or not and it’s like. If you can speak to people universally like that? That’s incredible.”

V “Yeah, dude. Speaking of that. I think it’s important that we tell everyone… Usually we don’t— I don’t know, guys, if you’ve been paying attention to it in previous drops but we always donated a percentage of our proceeds to a charity. We don’t really announce that because we do that not to tell you guys what we’re doing but because we like to do it. But this drop specifically, it’s important because we’re donating to one of our favorite ones. And I know you’ve worked with them in the past before. So yes, it’s going to be the Trevor Project.”

T “Yeah.”

V “—for this specific drop. They have no idea, it’s not an official partnership or anything but that’s—“

T “That’s our plan.”

V “Yeah, that’s what we’re gonna do.”

They’re moving on to the next question.”

V “What has been our favorite part about putting this merch drop together and whose idea was it?”

T “It was yours.”

V “I think it was Jesa Joy’s idea.”

T “It was Jesa Joy, but between the two of us, it was you coming to me.You and Jesa. Because you’ve been like killing it with all the Vlambase merch and stuff. So it was kind of like the next best thing.”

V “Duuuuude, you— you’re an inspiration for a lot of things, man. A lot of things that I do and Roswell, and like clearly even before this drop with Boys Will Be Boys or just any of these other designs. So this is something we’ve been wanting to do for a long time. Jesa Joy has been wanting to work with you since… I think you commented on a vintage t-shirt she was wearing at a premiere of yours like six years ago. She was like wearing a Nirvana vintage tee and you complimented her on it.”

T “Wait, why is it that this is the first time I’m hearing this story?”

V “I think… I don’t know.”

T “You never told me this.”

V “She probably asked me not to because she’s probably very embarrassed.”

T “No, I love that story! So I commented on a vintage Nirvana shirt.”

V “One of her shirts from her company Blank Clo.”

T “And she was wearing it?”

V “And now you’re making merch with her which is just so sick.”

T “Honestly, she’s truly just the best.”

V “She is a beast. I don’t know how. She doesn’t sleep. I bought her a Nespresso machine for Christmas to keep her—.”

T “You’re enabling her!”

V “I have to, man, someone’s gonna get the work done!”

Both laughing.

V “But yeah, I think my favorite part’s just been working with you, collaborating with an outsider. It’s always me and Jesa so working with you, doing feedback and then probably because we’ve spent so little time with each other - or anyone - during this pandemic, I would say the photoshoot was… We don’t do that anymore, you know.”

T “I know. No, I know. That really was fun. And I just feel like it’s actually kinda— my favorite part is like more general. You and I have been working together as actors but it was fun to work on like a different kind of creative endeavor together, you know what I mean.”

V “Yeah, definitely.”

T “Going back and forth about like colors and like what kind of writing should be on this merch and what about this photo, and you hearing a lot of like ‘no, I have three chins in that photo, so you’re not gonna use that one, buddy.’”

V *cracks up*

V “Nah, dude, you look beautiful, man.You always look good.”

V *pretends to getting hot, fans himself*

V “Jesus, man, every time I talk to you I just get a little worked up. I gotta—“

V *takes off black MALEX hoodie, reveals pink MANESQUEEZE hoodie underneath*

T *laughs and shakes head* “I hate you.”

V “It’s true, I get so hot and— oh, I didn’t realize I have more merch on. I get so hot and bothered every time I’m talking to you.”

T *laughs* “It’s not that cold here. It’s only like 40F(4C) degrees here and you have layers and layer and layers.”

V “Well, the heat’s out, man, the heat’s out, you know.”

T “Oh, in your house? Nice.”

V “No, no, no, it’s not out, dude. You’re just that hot.”

T “Aurora!”

V “Oh, Aurora’s here!”

T *reads from chat* “Malex forever. Tyler’s handwriting!”

T “She likes it better? Is that what she’s saying?”

V “Yeah, she’s a fan.”

T “She’s gem.”

V “She watches Roswell for you to be honest.”

T *laughs*

V “Which is a little weird but that’s fine.”

Next question is also about the merch making process, and they decide they’ve answered that.

V “The collaboration of it all.”

T “Yeah.”

V “What did you say?”

T “I said yeah.”

V “You blowing me a kiss?”

T *cracks up* “No!” *giggles*

V “Man, I’m seeing things that I wanna see. 

Next question “What is your favorite thing about each other?” from a fan from Argentina. 

“I went to Argentina last year. Well, 2019. Big fan.”

T “I’ve never been, I really wanna go.”

V “Oh, you’d love it, dude. Good steak, good wine.”

T “Hell yeah.”

V “It’s all you need. It’s all you need.”

V “Okay, favorite thing about each other? Do you wanna go first or should I?”

T “Ooooooh, that’s a tough one. There’s not a lot to like.” *cracks up* “No, I’m just kidding.”

V “Yeah, right, dude.”

T “No, honestly, I feel like I’ve said this before, actually, in like actual interviews and stuff. But I think like you’re very multi-dimensional. I feel like you can get along with any type of person but it all comes from a very genuine place, and I think that— it’s very familiar and comforting, I think you’re like a really well-rounded guy who’s in touch with every emotion in a very healthy way. In a good way, you know.”

V “I really appreciate that, man. That means a lot to me. I definitely pride myself on being able to connect with people and I enjoy meeting all sorts of different people. Sometimes to the point where I’m like… I feel like we’re so quickly to judge people nowadays. And don’t get me wrong, I judge, too, it’s hard not to. You look at something and you have preconceived ideas, but staying open through the process to meeting them and getting to know them, that’s something else. And the more as I get older, I realize that, dude, like we all have a ton of faults. So we got to be open with that person even though they may believe something that we don’t like. There’s like fifty other things you might like about them, you know?”

T “Totally.”

V “So that’s—“

T “Absolutely. I mean, you don’t have to like everything a person to *like* them, do you know what I mean?”

V “Yeah.”

T “And I feel like, the things that we don’t like in other people, are usually things that remind us of the things we don’t like about ourselves. So, in a way it’s like a mirror, you have to kind of look at that.”

V “Dude, yes. So, I will say two things I love most about you. I would say number one: your openness. And that goes with: you always say what you’re thinking - at least to me, right?”

T *nods*

V “Like, you always say what you think, you always say what you feel. And I think that goes along with how much of an empath you are. I mean, dude, I’ve said that before but that’s why some of our scenes are my most favorite is because one of the most easiest people I’ve ever worked with. Dude, I look inside you, I know you’re *genuine*, man. And that comes with you being open and available. And, I don’t know if a lot of people know it, they must, but—“

T “I’m nervous.”

V “You have a sick, twisted sense of humor, just like me!”

They’re both cracking up.

V “A lot of people might not know that.”

T “I accept that, I accept that. I do feel though that you bring it out in me. I feel like we can just “bro down” a little bit. As lame as that is to say. You bring it out in me. It’s obviously there, not everybody sees it, but you can bring it out in me.”

V “There’s nothing wrong with a little bro-ing down, dude, we’re not that pretentious where you can’t be a little bit of a bro.”

T “Nah.” *changes topic* “Ashley Benson just did these hands [in the chat].”

V “Wow, is she trying to come for our love right now?”

T “Probably. But dude, our love was first. Haleb was first before Malex. So step down.”

V “You can never beat a first love. So—“ *raises Mountain Dew can* “Ashley, this Mountain Dew’s to you. *guzzles down fluid toxic waste* “Thanks for joining!”

T *smiles* “Yeah. I love you, Ashley. Miss you.”

V “Okay, so one more question. Oh, this is a good one. From aimz_623, what up, aimz... Oh, I know who this is! Because I did a meet & greet last year with her, and she was hammered at like 11 in the morning in Australia.”

T *cracks up*

V “Drinking like a blue slurpy drink. It was awesome! Okay, she said ‘Are the meet & greets joint or individual?’”

Neither says anything for a moment, waiting for the other to talk. Vlamis breaks first.

“Well, joint!”

*both cracking up*

T “I was like ‘am I gonna answer that?’ Yes, they are joint. We’re gonna be together.”

V *nods* “We’re gonna be together.”

T “Not even like this [in two separate places like during the IG live]. We’re gonna be in person together in the same room.”

V “You’re gonna be next to me in bed. Oh, well, next to me.”

T “Yeah, yeah. In the bathtub.”

V *cracks up* “In the bathtub. No mask?”

T “With mask, but that’s it.”

V “You like it with the mask?”

T “We’re gonna do mask and nothing else.”

V *cracks up*

T 😏

V “See, dude, you are sick!”

T “Maybe a few rubber duckies to hide some things.”

V “Dude, all this talking, man.I’m just so hot.” *takes off pink MANESQUEEZE sweater, he’s wearing the MALEX FOREVER t-shirt underneath* “Sorry about that.”

T “I just want everybody to know that he told me he was going to do this shtick.”

V *doubles over laughing*

T “I just want everybody to know that this is pre-planned. He’s a great actor but he just wants to show off as much merch in one live as possible.”

V “Sorry, dude. You know how it goes.” *pretends to take off t-shirt* No, no more!”

T “Nooo!”

V “I can’t put anything else under here. Oh guys, I’ve been messing around with one of our MALEX LOVE INTENTION candles. I’ve been messing with people and how it smells on Twitter, saying that it smells like vanilla bean and just basically you, and your body, you know.”

T “Me?”

V “Yeah, and your armpits. But what it really smells like is crème brûlée with a hint of jasmine.”

T “So, my body. 😏”

V “Basically your body. After a good wash, dude. Not my body. My body’s disgusting.”

T “You have a good smell, actually, I’ve told you this before. You have a good smell, and I don’t know if it’s like the shampoo you use, it’s *something*. But there’s like a natural— like, I’ve never smelled that on anybody else, and I don’t know what it is. But you do have a good smell.”

V while Tyler’s talking: 😊

V “You mean it’s good?”

T “Yeah! Yes, absolutely.”

V “My guy, dude.”

T “You never even had bad breath during kissing scenes in the past, I don’t understand. You look homeless a lot, but you like you don’t smell it.”

V “My character is homeless, basically.”

T “Yeah, he is. He’s literally always dirty. Physically dirty.”

V “One time I ate like a chicken salad before one of those scenes and then we had to do a quick scrub but most of the time we’re pretty good.”

T “Oh yeah, but we put a mint or some shit like that in the mouth.”

V “Remember when I was doing keto, though, and I was eating all the bagged tuna?”

T “First of all, never talk about that again. That was disgusting.”

V *cracks up*

T “That was disgusting. You ate *bagged* tuna.”

V “Yeah, that was messed up, man.”

T “My doctor told me that tuna has the highest level of mercury in it and we shouldn’t eat it.”

V “Well, that’s what— I mean. Jeremy Piven, I heard he got mercury poison one time, from eating too much sushi.”

T “Probably.”

V “Too much tuna, man. If you wanna be like Jeremy Piven, eat a lot of tuna, guys.”

T “Hell yeah.”

V “No, nobody wants to be like… Anyway. So, another question. Do the sweatpants have pockets? Believe it or not, this is very hard.”

T “Hi, Carly! My cousin Carly just came on. Remember, you met her on set that one time. ”

V “Oh, she came and visited.”

T “Yeah, she just said hi.”

V “When your mom was in town, too.”

T “Yeah, yeah, yeah.”

V *waves at camera* “Hi, Carly!”

T “Was that last year? Yeah, that was last year. Anyway, sorry. Sweatpants!”

V “No, no, it’s good. We have to say hi to the people that support us. I appreciate that. But no, sweatpants, do they have pockets.”

*explains why it’s hard (and expensive) to offer sweatpants with pockets, so sweatpants from this drop don’t have pockets, but they’re working on offering that in the future*

T “But like a lot of these sweatshirts have pockets. Like this has—” *shows his COSMIC hoodie’s front pocket*

V “Oh yeah, we got those. One hundred percent. And there’s a big mix and everything. Uhm, also because it’s a pandemic, it’s a lot of the colors, the sizes, they’re so hard to find. And normally, we don’t really buy—in the past, we hadn’t bought a lot of merch upfront, we waited to see what kind of things you guys ordered and liked and then we made our orders. Now, I’ve been putting money upfront to purchase merch, that’s why stuff’s selling out so quickly. So a lot of it is really “limited edition”. So tomorrow at 10.30am PST when it launches, if you want something, grab it, because it might go quickly, and I’ll feel bad, if you don’t get it. Okay, and the last thing, this isn’t even a question, I just have a note for it because I’m excited about it. Everyone who’s ordered before knows that the first hundred who order, always get a little surprise in their package. And this time, it’s a picture, a Polaroid of us, and we will both be signing it. Isn’t that right?” 

T “We will.”

V “I’ll have a lot of them and put them up in my trailer, around the candle.”

T *cracks up*

V “It’s gonna be real nice.😏” 

T “Yeah.”

V “Okay, what do you think. Should we tell everyone how they can win a meet & greet?”

T “Yeah.”

V “I don’t think we missed anything, right? I think we did it all.” *guzzles last sip of Mountain Dew*

T *ponders* “Yeah, I think we did. I think we’re good.”

V “Okay, meet & greet time, guys.” 

Vlamis explains how people can win a meet & greet. Find a pic on the Vlambase account and a comment that says “Meet & Greet” and the first person to reply to that comment with the name of the band and the song that was playing during Malex’s first kiss at the UFO Emporium in 1x06 wins.

V “[The song] It’s a favorite one of mine.”

T “Oh, it’s so good!”

V “So good!”

T “So nostalgic for me, too.”

V “A hundred percent, man. I actually just watched that scene right before we jumped on here. Is that strange that I watch scenes of us all the time?”

T “I got to go.”

*both cracking up*

V “Ashley, you still here?”

T “Yeah, I gotta hit up Ashley. No, it’s not, I think it’s cute. It’s cute and that’s sweet.”

V “My guy, dude.”

T “So, that was kind of a lengthy scavenger hunt [for the meet & greet].” *explains once more how to win a m&g* 

T “We’ve been on this for a while now, and we still have over a thousand people here.”

V “I know, it’s really cool. That’s definitely the most people I’ve ever spoken to live.”

T *laughs*

V “I think so.”

T “Maybe.”

V “Find the photo, find the Vlambase comment. You’ll know the comment when you see it, you have to search through. Comment, name the band, and then name the song that played during Malex’s first museum kiss. We were so nervous, dude.”

T “🤨”

V “We were so young.”

T “Oh, you mean in real life or in the show?”

V “In the show.”

T “Oh yeah. That was fun, though. That was fun bringing up those emotions, though.”

V “Sometimes I can’t tell the difference between real life and the show.”

T “I know. We’re just *that* method.”

V *cracks up*

V “Dude, so, yeah, 10.30am PST tomorrow. michaelvlamis.com, everything’s going to be live. If you guys have any other questions, I don’t know.”

T “I’m also gonna have the link in my bio of my instagram.”

V “Oh yes, I will do that, too. I always have it in there, though. I’m a narcissist.”

T *laughs*

V “So, anyway, people are saying “I’m confused”. No, they’re not. I think people understood.”

T “Someone else says “what does the comment say”?”

V “The comment says “Meet & Greet”.”

T “And that’s all that it says? Just “Meet & Greet”?”

V “And it says “Be the first to reply”.”

T “Oh, okay.”

V “So, you have to reply directly to that comment, and you got to say the name of the band, name of the song playing during Malex’s first kiss in the museum. Find the comment on one of the random pictures of clothing that was posted today on the vlambase instagram.”

T “We couldn’t let you guys get off easy, you know.”

V “Oh my god, the other vlambase account just said it’s already answered.”

T “😮”

V “So, it’s over guys, sorry. Aww, littlecupcake just said “I lost already.” Sorry, littlecupcake.”

T “Is that someone you know?”

V “No, but I know littlecupcake because I did a live once, and she tried to request to come in and talk to me, and it said that for everyone else who’s seen her screen it said that she was waiting for me to accept but on my screen it wasn’t showing up, so I feel bad about littlecupcake.”

T “Well, we shouted her out big time. Are we sure it’s a she? Maybe it’s a he?”

V “I think it’s a she.”

T “Okay, well, either way.”

V “Dude, you’re working tomorrow, aren’t you?”

T “Yeah.”

V “Then I’ll see you next week.”

T “Yeah, you will.”

V “We’ll be on set together.”

T “Yeah, we will.”

V “Gonna be nice.”

T “Next Tuesday.”

V “I gotta do extra Covid testing because it’s a close contact.”

T “*inhales* I know. I did mine today.”

V “Ooof, we’re gonna be so close.”

T “So close, yet so far.”

V “Alright, dude, get some rest. I’m excited for tomorrow. I love you, man, talk to you later. Thanks everybody for joining!”

T “Thanks so much for coming on, guys!”

V “Alright, see ya.”

T “Bye!”

V “Bye, guys.”

[ororowrites]

Two Thousand Twelve (Yahya x Black OC)

 Sweet Thang Series  - Chapter One

Warnings: Language, sexual situations, substance use 

Word Count: 2,409

Los Angeles - 2012

Forty-five, forty six, forty seven, forty eight, forty nine, fifty! Candace finished up her last set of sit-ups, dusted off her leggings and grabbed her belongings. The gym served as her stress reliever, especially when her boyfriend was the cause of the stress. When she felt like she had worked up enough of a sweat, Candace returned to the off campus apartment she shared with her twin sister, Trinity. 

They were both in their Senior year at USC, far away from their home in Chicago, Illinois. Candace was majoring in Dramatic Arts while her twin sister was studying History and Education. They were both the apple of their parents’ eyes but Candace was the child who went above and beyond to make them proud. Her sister Trinity was more of a free spirit and though she had many academic successes, she did not care what their parents thought or about their constant pressure. Trinity and Candace had two older sisters, Freida and Talia and a younger brother, Anthony who was about to start his freshman year of college. The twins were in their last semester of college and while they looked forward to graduating, they did not look forward to splitting up for graduate school. Candace had dreams of attending Yale’s Drama School and her twin wanted to move back home for her next educational ventures. 

“I need to figure out what I’m going to do. At this rate, I can’t keep up with my tuition payments,” Candace complained, checking her bank statements. “Most of my money is going towards the car and insurance and I can’t get rid of that.

“Did you talk to someone in the financial aid office? They stay having attitudes in there but maybe they can help. I would say I’d help you....I’m broke as shit, though.” Trinity twirled her Ramen noodles around her fork and stuffed it in her mouth. “I’m surviving on Ramen noodles and faith.” 

“I wasn’t expecting your help, Trin.” Options began to pile up in Candace’s head and only one of them appeared to be the best choice. Maybe not the best choice to many but her pride kept her from asking her parents for more help. Anthony Jr. was a talented athlete and with them putting him through school, she didn’t want to bug them. Plus, she wanted the best for her brother. He deserved the world for all the hard work he put into his craft and turning his life around after a rough patch.

“Getting another job is probably your best bet,” Trinity suggested, shrugging her shoulders. 

--------

“Let me eat you out,” Maxwell whispered in Candace’s ear. 

If she rolled her eyes any harder, they’d fall out of her head. Why did she even agree to come out with him when his sheer presence irked her soul? Maxwell was Candace’s on and off again boyfriend and right now they were in an off phase. As usual, Candace ended up making herself available so Maxwell could apologize. 

“Why can’t you just watch the movie,” Candace ignored the twitch between her legs and kept her eyes on the movie screen. Agreeing to come to the drive-in was a poor decision. Everyone always ended up fucking at the drive-in. 

“Come on, baby. I’m trying to apologize.”

“There’s a such thing as saying ‘I’m sorry’.” Maxwell’s verbal advances turned into physical ones as he pressed his lips to her neck. 

“For a man that claims he knows me sure doesn’t get a clue.”

Even though she was slightly turned on and would do anything to take her mind off her latest concern, Candace was distracted. 

“Aight then. What’s up? What’s on that pretty mind of yours,” Maxwell questioned, his golds glistening as he smiled. 

Candace pulled at the drawstrings on her sweatshirt, “I don’t think I’ll be finishing school this semester.” 

One thing Maxwell didn’t have to worry about was money when it came to school. He was a future NFL prospect and had a full-ride scholarship. “Damn, baby. Can’t you call your parents for help?”

“Ant is graduating this year. They’ve supported us all this time and I’ve been doing good paying my tuition this year. As soon as my hours got cut at work, shit started getting out of hand,” Candace sighed, running her hands down her face. 

“Why didn’t I know this was going on?” 

Taking a deep breath, Candace thought about how many ways could say, Because you only think about yourself. “You’ve been too busy worrying about other things. I told you they were going to cut my hours.” 

“My bad. You know I stay busy with ball. I don’t remember you telling me that,” Maxwell replied, letting his hand rest on her thigh. “I would help you out if I could.” 

No you wouldn’t, Candace thought. But, she stayed silent to protect her peace. 

Maxwell’s hand crept across her lap and between her legs. She hated that she couldn’t control her sexual urge when it came to this man. The empty promises she made herself time and time again were getting ridiculous. Candace flinched when Maxwell’s cold fingers pushed her thin, cotton shorts to the side. Once again she was failing herself. Candace reached for the lighter and left over blunt that Maxwell had in the cup holder. 

“Relax,” Maxwell hummed, waiting until he felt Candace’s muscles relax before pushing a finger past her folds. He watched Candace close her eyes, letting the smoke pass through her lips. Hitched breaths filled the car, even with the loud action scene coming through the speakers. Letting herself go, she began to roll her hips into his hand.

As usual, he had her where he wanted her. Right in the palm of his hand. 

--------

San Francisco - 2012 

Yahya returned from his lunch break early, excited about new ideas he wanted to write down before they left him. His mind never stopped going and it often kept him up at night. Since graduating from Berkeley, he worked for the Mayor’s office as an Urban Planner. His passion for building up the urban core piqued his interest in architecture and his minor in social justice. When he landed the job with the Mayor’s office, he jumped into projects feet first. He had been a part of two major projects and was currently working on another one. 

“Mr. Abdul-Mateen,” the secretary said as Yahya walked through the glass doors and towards his office. “Mr. Reid would like to see you in his office.” 

Stefanie’s statement did not worry him. Her eyes always held a certain sadness, so Yahya didn’t see that sadness as a threat. Yahya walked down the long hall to Mr. Reid’s suite. The normally rambunctious man was sitting at his desk but facing the the window overlooking the city skyline. 

“Remember your first project, Yahya,” he asked, sensing a presence in his office. 

“Yeah, that proposal for the new school. That one public official was a pain in our ass but the proposal finally went through at the last minute,” Yahya recalled, smiling at the memory of his first success on the job. 

“Yeah, Mr. Ryan is a total hard ass for no reason. But you should be proud.” 

Sensing a shift in the conversation, Yahya cut right to the chase. “Mr. Reid, what’s this about?”

“Um....why don’t you come take a seat,” the director motioned to the chair in front of his desk. With the way he was looking, this could not be good news. 

Yahya had been let go. Even after all his hard work and fresh ideas, the city needed to make budget cuts and his job was one of the first on the list. Their reasoning? They had too many Urban Planners and could only afford to pay two of them and those two just so happened to be recent graduates that would get lower pay. His world felt like it had fallen apart in the ten minutes he spent in Mr. Reid’s office. What was he supposed to do now? There was no plan B when he was very calculated about his life decisions since childhood. Yahya knew what he wanted to do, which school he wanted to attend and which career path he would take to get to his ultimate goal of having his own architecture firm. This put a dent in his plans, leaving him feeling helpless. 

When Yahya got home, he didn’t even think about calling his mother and father about the bad news. He wasn’t ready to accept the news himself, so he’d wait a couple of days. Instead, he called up his boys in Los Angeles and told them he was heading down for the weekend. 

Kevin and Damon were brothers and Yahya’s best friends since grade school in Louisiana. When Yahya and his family moved to Oakland in his 6th grade year, they all remained close. Summers were spent in Louisiana and Yahya was grateful his friends were at least in the same state now. Kevin was a celebrity trainer and Damon was currently in law school. They had both moved to Los Angeles shortly after high school. 

“What’s up, dude,” Kevin exclaimed, clasping Yahya’s hand and roughly patting him on the back. “Long time, no see. You ain’t been down here in a minute.” 

“Shit, been busy, bro. Wassup Damon,” Yahya greeted the other brother and stepped inside their apartment. “Damn, the place is nice. Glad to see ya’ll asses finally got a couch and tv stand.” 

“Shut the hell up. Always talkin’ shit,” Damon groaned. “Want anything to drink? Water, soda...or a drank drank?” 

“You got anything dark? I’ll take some of that.” 

“Long day, man? You look like you been through it,” Kevin added, joining Yahya in the living room. He flipped the television to Sports Center.

“Long day? How about a long week. They worked my ass. I may put in for some vacation time here soon. I need a break,” Yahya lied. He would keep this layoff a secret until he had a plan on where he wanted to go next. 

“I hear you,” Kevin agreed. 

The crew watched sports highlights and reminisced on their childhood for a couple of hours. It was late but the night was still young for them and they didn’t want to be stuck inside on a Friday night in Los Angeles. They hit the town, settling on a strip club downtown. 

“Glad I got paid today because I’m about to go crazy up in this bitch. I heard this place has the best looking strippers and I’m tryna make someone’s daughter rich tonight,” Damon yelled over the music. Beautiful women seemed to be everywhere they turned. The strippers, the bartenders and a few women there for bachelorette parties or just there out of curiosity. 

“Just as long as you have enough left for your half of the rent, nigga. I’m not covering your half again this month,” Kevin eyed a dancer on the stage twirling down the pole with her legs in a split. “Damn.”

Yahya was distracted. Even with all the good distractions in front of him, he couldn’t stop thinking about losing his job. The entire six hour drive to Los Angeles, he tried to think of a plan B or if he needed to move and try to get an urban planning position in a different city. 

“Whoa, shit! Sorry,” a woman groaned, grabbing onto Yahya’s shoulder trying to catch her footing. “These niggas don’t know how to say excuse me around here. Sorry I ran into you.” 

“Oh, you’re good. You okay,” Yahya caught the brown beauty before she could hit the floor. 

“Yeah, first night back at this place. Gotta get used to the rude ass men in here. Thanks for catching me. Enjoy the rest of your night,” she quickly pushed through the crowd and disappeared. 

Yahya turned back to his boys to find them shaking their heads. “What?” 

“You just gone let shawty walk away like that? Did you see how that ass was sittin’? How those titties were sittin’? Honey was bad as fuck and you let her walk away,” Kevin sucked his teeth. 

“Unlike you, I’m a gentleman. Plus, she was in a rush. She’s working.” 

“Man, whatever, lets go find somewhere to sit and order some liquid courage. I’m trying to get fucked up tonight.” 

The trio settled on a table in the middle of the club after ordering their first round of drinks. They spent a little more money than they wanted but Yahya finally loosened up and started to have a good time. The next morning, he’d probably regret all the alcohol he was consuming to numb his pain. Too much liquor meant making silly decisions; like paying for a private dance in the famous Dream room. 

Yahya took a seat on the leather sofa and waited on a dancer. He had opted for the Friday night surprise, instead of asking one of the dancers on the floor for private time. The door opened and the woman who had run into him earlier that night closed the door behind her. 

“Oh, you again,” she said with a grin. 

“You act like that’s a problem,” Yahya laughed, licking his lips. His eyes were low from all the alcohol he had consumed that night. “Maybe this time I can catch your name, sweetheart.”

“A dancer never tells anyone her real name. I go by Cakes.” She stood in front of Yahya’s long legs, placing her hands on his knees. Anywhere by 112 started playing over the speakers. “This is one of my favorites.” 

“Mine too.” 

Candace tried to shake whatever connection she was having with this random man at the club. It was her first night back in two years and the first rule of Dynasty was to not fall for these randoms in the the club. They didn’t see you as anything else but a hoe in the strip club. Besides, things were on the upside with Maxwell.. at least for the time being. The only reason she had come back to Dynasty was to get enough money to pay up her tuition and put funds into her savings account for her moves after graduation. That was it. Candace had no room to be greedy because this was one secret she did not want getting back to her parents. 

Rolling her body, Candace kept her eyes on the customer, dragging her hips to the seductive beat.  

Maybe the long drive down to LA would be worth it. 

Tags: @just-peachee​ @blackburnbook​ @emjayewrites​ @chaneajoyyy​ @kumkaniudaku​

Want a tag? Please let me know and I’ll add you to my taglist for this series.

[riverdaleouat4432]

Lost love

Jasper Hale x reader  Warnings: Heart break, swearing, suicide, death 

f/n - friends name 

m/n  - moms name

Summary: You have a crush on Jasper and you are in math class with him then over time ou become friends the become a couple. What happens when Jasper starts to fall in love with Alice Cullen? 

a/n: You are Jaspers mate by the way

no one pov:

It was any other school day and as every day you sat in the back of math class and admired Jasper. Little did you know that there was a seating chart. You were sat next to the one and only Jasper Hale.

As you sit down the teacher takes attendance. Jasper sits next to you and holds out his hand and introduces himself. “Hi I’m Jasper, Who are you?” “I know..... I mean well you are in my class and then you go to english...... I mean i don’t stalk you or anything” you stutter. “I am y/n” “Nice to meet you y/n” As class ends you walk over to your friend Angelia. Then you guys head to your next class. 

Skip to Lunch

You sit with your friends Angelia and you best friend f/n. You and f/n go to your last class which is science 

Skip to end of school day

a/n: I got lazy

Y/N pov:

I was walking home and also thinking about the thought of sitting next to Jasper everyday is a dream come true but then again he didn’t even know who I was and that hurt. I just reached my house and it is big. I moved to forks when I was in 6th grade a because my mom and dad got in a fight then they got a divorce and my mom got to keep me. We used to live in New York but my mom thought it would be better if we moved to a smaller and quieter town. I open the door “Mom I’m home!” no answer “Mom!” Still no answer where is she? Then I see a note on the counter. It says:

Sorry I am not home I have a really busy shift at the store and won’t be home till’ midnight snack is in the microwave and I ordered pizza for you should be there at 7:30 p.m. 

Love mom

“Well I was looking forward to movie night but I guess never get your hopes to high anyways I have homework to do.” You say to no one but yourself. The pizza came and I was hoping I would be able to see mom before I went to bed but oh well. 

Morning 

I get up and get ready I put on a black jeans a white shirt and a red leather jacket with a black choker. I was running late again and accidently ran into some one and it was none other that Jasper Hale. Edward just glared at me “You should be more careful” “It’s not like I ran into you is?” He just scoffed and the others just walked away with Edward. “Idiot” I whisper to myself. 

Math Class

Jasper pov:

I see y/n enter and I wonder if she was trying to start a fight with Edward we all know how that would’ve worked out. She is my mate so maybe I should talk to her maybe not well I don’t know yet. “What are yo thinking about” she is human but very quit walker. “Not much just math” As class starts I wonder if she has feelings for me because I do her I watch her all the time when she walks home and I just want to know what she smells like. “Jasper” “Jasper” “Jasper’ “Jasper!!!!!” “What” “The teacher called on you to answer the question” As I answered the question I was also gathering up all my courage to ask y/n out. At the end of the day I walk up to y/n. “Hey y/n I was wondering if we could go out” “YES!!!!!!!!!!!!” “I mean yeah sure” She is adorable.

Y/N pov: 

I thought I would die right there and then. I have a date with Jasper I said as I walk home since it was a half day and I also did my happy dance.

The neighbors were looking at me and I don’t care I HAVE A DATE WITH FUCKING JASPER HALE.  I am so happy. 

Date with Jasper

I am so excited wait what am I going to wear. I finally decided what to wear and I decided to wear a light blue dress with pink heals and a white bag.

“Mom I am going on my date!” “Ok honey bye have fun love you” “Bye Love you too mom” As I exit the door I see Jasper waiting outside and he opens the car door for me. On the date we go to a fancy restaurant and I eat a Pizza, the weird thing is that Jasper did not eat anything. “Did you already eat” “yeah” “Oh well I am done you ready to go” “yeah just let me pay” “No I can pay I am the only one who ate so let me.” He drives me home and asks me the question: “Y/n will you be my girlfriend I...” Oh My God YES!!!!” 

Time Skip

It has been a couple months since I started to date jasper and he has become very distant from me I ask him if he is okay and if he wants to talk but he just gives me the cold shoulder. As I enter Math class early I see Jasper there talking to Alice. It has been a couple days since I’ve seen him with Alice at first I didn’t mind but now I am concerned. Now it is the weekend and I am waiting for Jasper because he said he wanted to talk to me about something. I hear a knock at the door and answer it. “Hey Jas you want to come in?” “No I am breaking up with you” “oh so soon huh?” “yeah” “How long?” “A while know” “Who?” “Alice, look I’m sorry I don’t love you anymore I...” “How long have you loved me for!?!?” “The second month we were together” “YOU DIDN’T BOTHER TO TELL ME AND EXPECT ME TO JUST SAY IT FIRST JASPER I AM DISAPPOINTED AND I TRIED TI KEEP OUR RELATIONSHI TOGTHER BUT NO YOU HAVE TO GO BEHIND MY BACK TO SOME OTHER GIRL AND I AM JUST SUPPOSED TO EXPECT THAT!!!!!!!!!!” by now we are both yelling the neighbors could hear us I’m pretty sure “WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DID TELL YOU” “NO YOU DIDN’T YOU JUST SAID I LOVE .... I LOVE YOUR HAIR STYLE TODAY” “I LOVE YOU JASPER AND you should be happy with whoever.” “Thank you y/n” “Wait Jasper” “Yes y/n” “Do you... do you love her.... love Alice?” “With all my heart goodbye y/n” “Goodbye Jasper” With the last goodbyes I close my door. I run up to my room and cry my eyes out how could he do that to me I finally got just as fast as I lost him. \

Jasper pov:

I am going to be happy with Alice I know that and I now can be with a vampire and not my mate a human. “Hey Edward, What’s going on guys” We heard you and y/n arguing” “She had a million thoughts in her mind like” ”She was an idiot to think you would ever love her.” “Well I have Alice and I can be happy” “Yeah me and Jasper will be happy forever” 

Y/N pov:

I am done with the world and I am done with being sad. I have been missing school. “Honey look you need to go back to school” I know” “sweetheart you need to also eat can you eat something please” “Yeah sure whatever” “Mom?” “yes sweetie” “does the pain ever go away?” “No the pain never goes away and that just means that you still love him and when you see him the pain just increases.”  As night came I decided one thing to do to make the pain go away and I must do it tonight. I wrote a letter to my mom. 

I walk out the door quietly and head to the cliff of La Push. 

M/n pov: 

I walk down the stairs to see a note on the table:

Dear mom,

I am so sorry but the pain is too much just know I love you with all my heart but the pain must go away. By the time you read this I will be gone already. Please say goodbye to the Cullen's for me and my friends and also my dear dog Peanut.

Love your daughter Y/n

No she no no no she wouldn’t would she I must find her immediately. I get in my car and head to the Cullen’s house. I bang on the door. Carlisle opens the door and his children come down to. “Is my daughter y/n here” “No Why would she be here” “I was thinking she would want to talk to Jasper” “look m/n she is not here how do you know she was gone” “Well I was walking down to the kitchen to get some water and I saw this note on the counter.” “I need help she is going to kill herself because of her heart ache” “We will help find her don’t worry” “Kids” “Yeah Carlisle” “Get you shoes” “Why” “Y/n going to kill herself” 

no one pov:

Y/n made it to the cliff she jumps. The Cullen’s and her mom are to late. “My baby girl she’s gone forever” is what her mom says. everyone looks over the edge and they see her she is floating on top of the water then she starts to sink to the bottom. 

The funeral has come and everybody was there even Jasper and Alice.

Jasper pov:

Why do I have to be so stupid she was the best girlfriend I have ever had and I blew it and now she is gone. I have was the one who led her to do this and I have to live with that for the rest of my life. 

[mithrilbookofmystery]

Things that I did not actually think were real for whatever reason until I was like 11 or 12 despite having previous knowledge about them

Narcolepsy (I read the Mysterious Benedict Society when I was like. In second grade. Fuck if I know why I read this much as a kid, I have failed to do so as much recently, which sucks major ass. Anyways, one of the main characters in the book, Mr. Benedict himself, in fact, had narcolepsy. The book(s) (there's three of them) do a fairly good job at explaining what it is and how it works, so I never felt the need to ask my mom or anyone what it was, but it also did a good enough job at explaining it that I thought the author had just made it up for the plot. Everyone else had plausible but still slightly unbelievable powers that stretched reality somewhat, why couldn't Mr. Benedict?) (Anyways I saw an ad for a sleeping medication that was like "do not take if you have narcolepsy" when I was 13 or smth and I was like that "BEYONCE????" meme but I was the lady and I was saying "NARCOLEPSY????")

Synesthesia (Similar story to how I learned about it, I was once again reading too much. This time with the Secret Series. (The Name of This Book is Secret, This Book is Not Good for You, that good shit) In which several major side characters have synesthesia, also it's a major plot point. Honestly, this is the part that made the books unbelievable for me?? The rest of the plot I was like "ah yes. Vaguely plausible" but for whatever reason I drew the line at hearing sounds when you smell certain things) (probably because thought it was way too cool to be real at the time) (Figured out this was real through a youtube rabbit hole I went down at midnight when I was like 13. Never been more surprised in my life. Also found out that I have it, albeit very mildly!! Apperently sorting letters and numbers based on their personality isnt normal. Who would have thought.)

The movie "The Time Bandits" (ok this one's interesting, because I did see the movie before I thought it wasnt real. It was just that I was 6 or so and I head the movie from my bedroom so I went in to watch and my mom was like "go back to bed, it's past your bedtime and you're too young for this" so I went back but I kept sneaking into the doorway to watch. This is a very hard way to gather the plot, by the way. Though, some images from it are still incredibly vivid - the dwarves talking to the holographic face of god, the wall moving in the boy's room, the ancient Egypt scene, the firefighter winking at the boy at the very end. It was all very surreal. After bedtime before you're 10 is a very timeless moment.) (I saw it playing on TV several months ago. I was like "this cant be the same thing, right??? That wasnt real, right??????" And then it was)

The movie "Meet the Robinsons" (The first time I saw this I was about 5 maybe and incredibly sick. I had made myself a pillow fort out of the couch in the living room in front of the TV and watched whatever was playing as my mom fed me yogurt (I did not like the yogurt). It was this. For whatever reason.) (This is one of my earliest memories) (Honest to god, I do know know how I found out this was real. Still pretty sure it was a fever dream I had, and that I may or may not still be having. I dont know the plot of it at all. I only remember the fruit hat and the emo kid. That's it)

That mouse trap movie (you know, the one where the two guys have the huge house amd they're trying to catch this one mouse. Mr. Noodle's in it, or, well, the guy who played Mr. Noodle when I was young enough to watch Sesame Street. I was so surprised to find out that he actually talked when I watched it again when I was like 10)

"The City of Ember" story as a whole (embers?? Ambers???? They're underground bro, theres a messenger girl, the guy takes her place in the sewers bc they all got assigned jobs for whatever reason, idk bro, you know what I'm talking about) (I saw this at a family friend's house when I was 7 or 8. I remember that the DVD had no set on either side, and I asked "hey how do you know what movie this is?" And the mom said "the title's right here, sweetie" but I still did not see the title. Every face fron that movie slips my mind, but I do remember the red cape. And how dark the town was.) (I saw the book at my local library when I was in 6th grade or so and I picked it up and I was like "why do I recognize that title?" and then I read the back and I was like "why do I recognize that plot?" and then I got vivid flashback to being about 7 or 8 at the family friend's house.)

[thespiralgrimoire]

Would you consider posting your thoughts on the Twilight series? Because the bits and pieces I catch on your main are HILARIOUS though maybe it’s just because I find salt hysterical LOL

Oh good grief

Under a read more for my sake if not anyone else’s

The year was 2007. I was 11 year old, in 6th grade, nursing a substantial superiority complex over my classmates, and idolizing the 7th grade girls. This is where my story begins.

Now I won’t get into all the semantics as to why I was such an insufferable little garbage person in middle school, but I will tell you that I was convinced that I was not like other girls. While this proved true, my reasons as to why were completely off the mark in my tweens. Back then, I thought it was because I was smarter, wiser, and more mature than any of the other 6th grade girls in my class.

But not the 7th grade girls. The 7th grade girls were it, man. Nobody was cooler or smarter or more creative than the handful of ladies who were blessed with the patience to put up with my nonsense in middle school. So naturally, when they read Twilight, I read Twilight.

Twilight, if you have the good fortune to not be intimately aware of it by now, is about the Bella Swan, blandest girl in the entire world, moving to a small town to live with her emotionally awkward father, where she meets the Cullens, a clan of vampires who don’t drink human blood, because they’re trying to be morally upright. Her scent is irresistible to one of the vampires, (the only single one among them because the rest are dating each other) named Edward. Edward has the ability to read minds, and Bella is the only person he’s ever met who is immune to this power. I must stress again that she smells so good that he has to physically restrain himself from eating her, and murdering all witnesses. For reasons I can’t really remember now except “because that’s what the books are about”, they fall in love.

Here’s the thing about these books: Even as I was reading them, they gave me the creeps. Something in my little baby mind was vaguely aware that Edward was a messed up motherfucker, and Bella was a one-dimensional stand-in for the reader, and everything interesting in this story was happening on the fringes, facilitated by the far more interesting side characters. There were parts of these books that were uncomfortable to read. There were parts that made me seriously question why these books were so popular. There were parts that made it physically difficult to keep reading. About 3 things happen in the entirety of this series that feels good and satisfying, and none of them are things that the author, who I will derogatorily refer to as Smeyer, meant to be satisfying.

Two things kept me reading these books. The first was, obviously, the 7th grade girls, and my other friends in other grades who quickly caught the hype wave.

The second. Was the fact. That the writing style of these books, despite being the modem for a story that is absurd at best and a giant, flaming, stinking dumpster fire of bad takes, racism, and sexism at worst, is HYPNOTIC. A lot of my opinions about this series have changed drastically over the years, but this is one that I was acutely aware of even as I was reading these books. No matter how stupid or frustrating or repulsive the things that Smeyer is writing are, her writing style will not let you put the story down once you’re invested. And since I was reading these for social clout, I was invested on page 1. I want to believe that this was a trick played on my young mind, but after reading the first chapter of Midnight Sun (the newly released book that is literally just Twilight from Edward’s POV instead of Bella’s), I can confirm that this woman’s style is genuinely Like That. I enjoyed maybe 6 sentences of the 15-page chapter and I am still frothing at the mouth to read more.

So now that I’ve justified why I subjected myself to this shit in the first place, let’s get to some feelings about it.

Edward is a CREEP. He knows this. His family knows this. His love rival knows this. The only person who does not know this, rendering the fact completely inconsequential to the events of the story, is Bella. I’m not really willing to talk about how Edward is such a disgusting model for what young girls should expect out of a partner that there was discourse for MONTHS over Fifty Shades of Grey, but.... Edward is such a disgusting model for what young girls should expect out of a partner that Fifty Shades of Grey exists. It’s literally Twilight fanfiction. Fact check me. I wish I was making this up.

Bella is, as I said before, a cardboard cutout of a human being. The book is from her point of view, and includes copious amounts of her thoughts, and yet it’s still clear that she has absolutely no personality. She is supposed to be your Jane Everywoman, and yet there is not a single relatable thing about her. Her three personality traits are Brown Eyes, Clumsy (but not in a way that matters often), and Likes Edward. That’s it. This girl has nothing going on, which only draws more attenton to the fact that literally everyone else in the story has a rich and interesting backstory. But they’re side characters and this is about Stale White Bread Bella over here, so go fuck yourself if you want more information on Rosalie using her vampire abilities to get revenge on her fiance and his buddies, who assaulted her to the point of near death, or Alice, who sees the future and spent a good chunk of her life in an asylum, or Jasper, who was a Union soldier fighting the Civil War which was ALSO the vampire war???? Fuck off with that shit, this is about Bella.

But you know who the best characters are? The werewolves. But not REAL werewolves. These are Native Americans whose initial transformation is triggered by the proximity of the vampires, because vampires once terrorized their people and now this ability to turn to wolves is hereditary to protect themselves. The fact that these fellas are not REAL werewolves, and that there are real lycanthropes of lore, is mentioned in passing in the last book and never mentioned by anyone ever again.

One of these wolves is Jacob, Bella’s childhood friend and, for the first two books, an absolute sweetheart. Just a big goofball who’s a couple years younger than Bella, and all he wants is the best for her. Real wholesome shit. When Edward leaves her because he thinks that she’s too attached (SHE IS),  Jacob literally talks Bella back from the brink. The wolf pack, and the Native American tribe, welcome her as one of them. They’re adorable. I can’t stress enough that they would have also been an excellent candidate for the focal point of this shitshow.

But it doesn’t last. Edward does some real dumb shit in Italy and Bella has to go rescue him, which tips off the Vampire Illuminati that Edward was trying to get killed by (i.e. the real dumb shit). They don’t like that Bella, a human, knows about them, and demands that she be turned. Edward’s family is divided on this. Eventually they decide that they got time because the Vampire Illuminati are ancient and don’t have a good enough sense of time to hold them accountable immediately.

So Bella is fine and Edward is fine and everybody is back in the same town and they’re dating again and literally everyone in the town is like Bella what the FUCK. Nobody likes Edward because they think he’s no good for Bella. They are written like the bad buys. Jacob especially, becomes a huge asshole. Because he decides that he’s in love with Bella now. Because werewolves can imprint on people, which is just a sloppy soul mate mechanic used for absolute evil in this story. He wants to fight Edward over her. Edward is chomping at the bit to throw down, but pretends to be the bigger person even though he’s just as big an asshole about all this as Jacob is. This is as misogynist as it sounds. From this point on Jacob is now also a creep.

Oh, but it gets worse!

I gotta talk about the last book in the series now, Breaking Dawn. Because this shit was so awful that it made me regret, instantaneously, ever second I spent enjoying Twilight.

Bella and Edward get married after they graduate high school because Edward is a religious virgin and Bella is HORNY. They go on their honeymoon. Bella gets pregnant. This is Not Something That Is Supposed To Happen.

Smeyer tells us WHY this happened post-canon. Edward, the virgin, has never nutted. Because of this, he still has living sperm in his balls. So when he boffed Bella, his 80-year-old sperm made it count. I wish I was making this up, y’all. I’m tearing up thinking about it.

Bella is now pregnant with a half-vampire baby that is destroying her body from the inside out. It is growing at an exponential rate. She’s eight months along after three weeks. Edward can hear its thoughts. It loves Bella. Bella has to drink blood or die. Jacob is like What the Fuck. I am also, pretty thoroughly like What the Fuck. A couple members of the Cullen family are, very quietly, like What the Fuck.

Queue the most forced and ineffectual pro-life discourse you’ve ever read in your life.

All is well and good until it’s not. Baby suddenly wants to get out of Bella RIGHT NOW IMMEDIATELY and thrashes so violently that it shatters every bone in her body between her ribs and her femurs. Edward has to rip her uterus open with his teeth. Baby is out. It has a full mouth of teeth. It bites Bella. Edward whips out several syringes full of his own saliva and injects them into Bella all over to make her change into a vampire. This is all written in disgusting graphic detail that still makes my skin crawl to think about. I cannot fathom why Smeyer was not made to tone this scene down.

So it takes a few days for Bella to change into a vampire, during which time the Cullens (and Jacob) have to look after her hellspawn of a daughter. Jacob decides that he must kill her, because she basically killed Bella. But--- surprise! He wasn’t in love with Bella! He was in love with the eggs in her womb-- particularly this one egg that is now a baby! No more crush on Bella! No more beef with Edward! He’s just in love with a newborn infant. I am, at this point, wondering in my little 12 year old mind, how this was allowed to be published.

Bella wakes up a vampire, and in her first display of rational thought through the entire series, does not like this. Don’t worry though, that’s quickly cancelled out by her naming her baby daughter Renesmee.

Renesmee is clearly supposed to be a sweet and gifted little angel that you’re meant to love, but frankly, all I can picture is the Chucky doll but quieter. She does not talk much, because she has the ability to share thoughts by touching people’s faces. She also grows super fast. In a few days she’s toddler age. Nobody knows what the fuck is going on and nobody has time to worry about it because the vampire Illuminati found out about this (a vampire friend of the family snitched) and they’re coming to fuck up the whole family.

There is a reason why they want to do this but it’s stupid and frankly I’m not going to explain it.

So the vampires mobilize. They call all their vampire friends because their plan is just to fight the thousands-years-old vampire Illuminati over this horrible child. For some reason dozens of vampires agree to this. They’re all smitten by Resume I guess.

So the illuminati comes, the family tells them that Ramune isn’t the problem that they think she is, and they leave.

That’s it. That’s the climax.

And then everyone gets their off-putting happily ever after: Bella and Edward can now fuck as much as they want because neither of them can die. Bella abandons her human life without so much as a second glance. Resonate will physically be an adult by the time she’s 7, which means that Jacob can start fucking her then. Bella’s dad sort of knows what’s going on, but doesn’t. For some ungodly reason I don’t make a bonfire out of these books.

You may notice, if you have any knowledge of Twilight, that there are whole plots that I didn’t talk about. That’s because I’ve surely forgotten things. While I read these books with what I can only describe as a manic fervor in my youth, I could never bring myself to reread them. On God, I tried. Multiple times in the last decade I have pulled my box set, hard covered Twilight books off my shelf, and opened them up. But I never even make it through the first chapter before I am so put off that I have to put them back. The plots are flimsy. The main characters are made of sand. The secondary characters are treated like garbage. The lore is disturbing.

And yet as soon as I heard that Midnight Sun was coming out, I knew that I must read it. I’ve made it through the first chapter. I do not know when and how I will make it through the next, but I know, for little middle schooler Theo’s sake, that I must.

Twilight? Horrible. Twilight Fandom? Geniuses.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #331

my head hurts way too badly to think up some intro lyrics, so just g’night.

Have you ever become good friends with someone you never met in person? Oh yeah, I've had best friends over the Internet. Hell, I'm closer to many online friends than I am most irl ones. They know "the real me" more. What do you consider your default mood to be? Stressed, probably. Discontent. What’s the longest amount of time you’ve ever kept a goldfish alive for? Not long. Proper goldfish husbandry is a very neglected topic, and I sure as hell never knew how to set up its tank adequately. Have you ever been paintballing? No, don't plan to. It looks like it hurts like a bitch. Do you want a large wedding? No. Did you ever collect any sort of cards? I had a very small collection of Pokemon cards. I didn't collect them avidly. What’re the best and worst books you ever had to read for a class? The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton was the best. The worst was some book we had to read in the 6th grade about a kid during some war that moved around a lot... I don't remember the name or who wrote it, but it sucked. What’s the best meal you had at an amusement park, or If you haven’t been to one, how about a good meal at another place like a zoo, aquarium or museum? I don't know. I haven't been to many. Who, whether a person or company, emails you the most? My PHP therapist emails me a check-in sheet and Zoom link every day there's a therapy session. What kind of sound or noise freaks you out the most and why do you think it scares you? Let's seeeee... I don't know if there's a sound that actually freaks me out. There are some I don't like, but none that like, frighten me. At least that I can think of. What’s the strangest art piece you’ve come across? Biiiitch there's a painting in Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs I'm not gonna go into, but shit fuckin wild. What’s the most clever or unique name you’ve come across for a business? I've definitely heard some cool ones, but I don't know about one that really stands out to answer this. If you had to name one of your hypothetical future children after a song, which song would you pick? Maybe like... okay, I'm blanking. Good thing I'm not having kids to name then, right? What’s the last song you heard? "Down in the Park" by Marilyn Manson is on atm. What is your favorite line from a TV show? *shrug* Any current family issues? No. How many hours do you spend online a day? How do you feel about that? I'm doing something on the computer pretty much... always. I hate it, and I hate it a lot. I don't want my life to be tied solely to the digital plane. I want to do more than bounce back and forth from website to website. Do you think that people have the power to make their own lives better? Absolutely, but there are some things they simply cannot change. It's about perspective and how you play the deck you're dealt. What is the biggest problem in your life right now? Right now, the most limiting thing is my physical health, probably. Just walking being torture affects my ability to exercise, and my body is a major reason - if not the biggest, at this current time - for my depression. This also plays a massive role in jobs I can handle. Not to sound like my emo self writing middle school poetry, but my body feels like a prison. Do you feel that you are loved? I know I am by some people, though I have a hard time understanding why a lot. What is the one thing you want most from life? Life satisfaction. Pride in what I've accomplished. A regular state of being content. Birthplace? I'm just gonna say in eastern NC. Do you believe in love at first sight? No, merely infatuation. Love is much too deep for that. Do you think dreams eventually come true? Some can, but usually only if you put effort into making that so. Favorite fictional character? like ummmmmmmm have you heard of this sassy bastard called Darkiplier- Go to the movies or rent? Before Covid, I loved going to the theater. It was something to do, plus a giant screen is nice. McDonalds or Burger King? McD's. I'm not a big BK fan. I only really went there during my vegetarian phase for the veggie burger. Current annoyance? This motherfucking headache. Last thing you ate? I have a meal replacement shake with me right now, if you consider that "eating." I didn't have a proper dinner. The last solid food I had though was some cookies and cream Greek yogurt. Last thing you bought? With my own money, I think I bought Mom and I some cheap McDonald's order semi-recently? Or maybe paying my $100 deposit for my tattoo was most recent, idk. Soonest thing you are looking forward to? For Mom to get her CT scan and find out what's going on in there. What did you do today? It was a pretty average day. I woke up way too early, though. The only thing even semi-unique about today was I played World of Warcraft for a few hours again; I've been quite unattached to it lately, but I went through an episode today of actually having fun playing. Oh, and I've been battling a migraine. It's more of a severe headache now, at least, but it still sucks big time. Do you like to see it snowing outside? Oh yes, absolutely! When you were in high school did you ever have bomb threats? I believe once we did from a very volatile student that honestly caused quite a lot of trouble. He's dead now. Who knows ALL of your secrets? Nobody. Did you have a job before you were in college? No. Have you ever thought about what it would be like to have a baby right now? That's a terrifying thought, no. Are you on birth control? Yeah, but just because it tames my menstrual cramps. Without it, they could be debilitating some days. Who is your last sent text to? My best fren. Have you ever eaten at Chipotle before? Possibly? Idr. Do you swear often? Excessively. I had a dirty mouth prior, but my swearing got really bad when I started staying at Jason's house a lot. He and especially his mother swear like mad. Do you own any shirts with a peace symbol on it? No. Do you have your national flag hanging up anywhere outside your house? Not at this house, no. Would you ever go to Japan? Oh, yes. I would love to. It's... very morbid, but I would really like to walk the (public) paths of Aokigahara Forest, nicknamed "Suicide Forest" for the horrible amount of, well, suicides that happen there via hanging. Like, you might just casually run into a dead body. I want to just... feel it there, walk in silence and empathize with people who didn't know what else to do and hope so deeply that those departed know they were never alone in their pain. I know with absolute certainty I'd probably be teary-eyed the whole time and cry a whoooole lot, but it's just an experience I want to have. What was the last thing you went to Walmart for? Some basic groceries. What should you be doing right now? Sleeping, given this headache... I just don't want to yet. Are you afraid of getting your heart broken? I'm fucking terrified of that ever happening again, far more than words can properly express. Have you ever been in a choir? Yes, actually; when I was a Catholic kid, my sisters and I were in the church choir for a year or so, idr. Do you have a Twitter? Yes, but only to like Mark's tweets, haha. Oh, and very rarely enter giveaways I'm interested in. Describe your retainers to me, if you have them, that is. I have a permanent metal one behind my front row of bottom teeth to keep those straight. My upper teeth had one of those normal retainers you take in and out, but I didn't wear it enough, so now it doesn't even fit. Would you like for someone to call you right now? No. I'm tired, my head hurts, and I'm enjoying the song I'm bingeing. It's so weird, I rarely ever go on music hunting trips (no real reason, I just... don't), but I've found great shit lately. Do you like to brush your teeth? No; it's a chore. I only do it because I don't want my teeth decaying, falling out, or getting too yellow, and the taste in your mouth and gritty texture on your teeth isn't exactly great when you don't brush. Have you ever had a surgery? Two. Give out your phone number over the internet? I have over private messages. Do you look older or younger than you actually are? Given my wardrobe (like graphic tees and band shirts), I probably look younger in the eyes of especially older people. I personally say I look my age, though. When is the next time you’ll be up on stage? I never plan to be again. What is the last show that you watched a full episode of? Some cooking show with Mom. Nailed It!, I think? Do you know anyone who lives in Utah? No. I love Utah, though; it's actually a place I'd be willing to live in with just how pretty it is and not super populated. Do you get your feelings hurt easily? VERY. I'm probably one of the most sensitive people you can meet. Do you still talk to the person you last made out with? Yeah. Have you ever seen your best friend cry? Ugh, yes. What kind of vitamins did you take as a kid? First we took those nasty, chalky Flintstones kinds, but as time passed, Mom moved onto giving us gummy bear vitamins that were perfectly fine. Did you get any compliments today? No. Are you friends with your neighbors? Not "friends," no. What towns have you lived in? Three different ones. That's all you're getting. Have you ever thrown up from drinking? No. Done any illegal drugs? No. I mean I've had some alcohol underage, but I've never done anything remotely hardcore. What’s the longest amount of time you’ve been on an airplane without changing flights? Idk. Who have you texted today? My mom and best friend. What time did you wake up this morning? Ugh, like five in the fucking morning. I couldn't go back to sleep. What is your favorite condiment to go with french fries? Ketchup. What do you have a habit of doing when engaging in a conversation with someone? Making shitty eye contact, and I'm one of those people who "talks with [their] hands." I also lose my train of thought a whoooole lot. Have you ever layed in a hammock? Yeah; we had one growing up. Have you ever lost a pet in a tragic way? How did you cope? Well yeah, I've had lots of pets, so thus lost some in particularly painful ways. The most scarring loss of a pet though is as follows: Teddy, my dog, picked up one of our cat's very young, wandering kittens in his jaws in a manner that looked as if he was trying to carry it like Aphrodite (the mother cat) does when she would bring them back behind the couch, where she gave birth/had her little "nest." I absolutely freaked and had to pry the kitten from his mouth, and it slowly died in my hands. I think Teddy accidentally crushed its ribs. I. Was. A. Mess. Then, there was Aphrodite herself. I've told the story before of our former neighbors calling animal control because our cats would wander through their yard, and all of our cats were taken away while I was unaware at school. Came home, and they were all gone. Aphrodite was my baby, so I was devastated. Screaming, sobbing, cursing on the porch for like 20 minutes... It was awful. What type of curtains do you like? I don't... know? I don't know the actual names of any types... What type of quality is a must-have in a friend? I absolutely cannot be friends with someone who thinks they're above everyone else. Are you any good at reading someone's body language? I think I am. What goes good with a nice cold glass of milk? Cookies! Especially Oreos. Dip it in there for around five seconds, and it's perfection. What fruit is too sweet to you? Grapefruit came to mind first. How did you feel after your first kiss? I had butterflies galore and was so giddy and smiley. After the first, I just wanted to kiss him a billion more times. What’s your favorite constellation and why? I don't have one. Shower curtain or door? Curtain. The glass doors are too revealing. Have you ever thought to yourself that you’re the luckiest person in the world? Most deeeeefinitely not. What time of day do you most enjoy looking at the sky? Sunset if there are clouds present, but sunrise if the sky is pretty clear.

[curlytemple]

niche interests list 

okay sure yes this is fun! i havent posted a thing like this in such a long time. thank you new gal pal @scottspack for tagging me! 

pigs????

alright first lets throw it back to preschool! my fav childhood toys were my baby doll (snookums) and a plush pig that my grandma got me that i just called ‘pig’ ...i watched the babe movies countless times, and piglet? that anxious little guy GETS ME bro. when my preschool did a nativity play and my class got to choose an animal to be in baby jesus’ manger, my mother recalls me saying that i would be a pig because jewish people (jesus christ) wouldnt eat me. she has no idea how or when i learned about kosher foods. ironically despite my namesake i was too afraid of the movie charlotte’s web to watch it more than once because the scary farmer tries to kill wilbur for being small and the pretty spider dies. 

sugar creek gang 

OKAY this is a book series from the 40s-70s about a group of christian little boys in indiana who went on adventures in the woods and helped people. my dad read a LOT of chapter books to me as bedtime stories when i was little (see also the mandie series, nancy drew and the hardy boys, little house on the prairie) but sugar creek gang is one that really hit. i read all 36 books with dad and at least once again on my own. there was a series of 4 or 5 movies in the early 2000s when i was the Perfect age to have a crush on most if not all of them. this might be too much detail but i have to tell you about these boys. we WILL not be revisiting the heavy religious themes. 

 the narrator is bill who is Good and Kind and wants to be a doctor when he grows up. his best friend is a chubby boy nicknamed poetry because he memorizes and quotes poems, he is the Detective of the group. BIG JIM is the leader of the group who is supposed to be like, 14, which was very cool and hot, to me. and yes there is a little jim, who is the baby of the group. then there is CIRCUS who is known for his climbing and acrobatics, and his FIVE SISTERS AND BEAUTIFUL SINGING VOICE. dreamboy. i’m almost done listing boys, i promise. a boy called dragonfly who is allergic to everything and hella superstitious. later in the series a new boy named tom moves to town and tom has an older brother bob who is NOT A CHRISTIAN (bully) 

tangentially, the buttercream gang, a movie from 1992 that was almost definitely made by some christians who grew up reading the sugar creek gang series which i’m guessing on vibes alone. will spare you Good Boy details but scott is in love with his best friend pete who moves to chicago and falls in with a bad crowd and scott just refuses to stop LOVING HIM. very gay christian film in retrospect. 

peter pan

so i know liking disney’s peter pan isnt niche, but it was the way i liked it. tinker bell stan from day one, i watched all of those disney fairies movies, even the ones that came out after i was definitely not intended audience. there was an online pixie hollow game where you could design your own fairies and play mini games where you gathered dew drops or something. had a HUGE CRUSH on jeremy sumpter in peter pan (2003) then i got really darkly obsessed with the idea of growing up when i was 12 or 13, and everything peter pan was deeply My Shit for my entire adolescence. i read the original book and every other twisted version of the story i could find and seriously freaked myself out about wasting my youth. 

shug

you’ve probably heard of jenny han now, or at least the netflix adaptations for to all the boys i’ve loved before and the sequel ps i still love you (always and forever, lara jean, coming soon?) but before she wrote THOSE, she wrote my first ever Favorite Book, about annemarie “shug” wilcox, a girl in the summer before starting middle school. it is SO engraved on my heart i cannot explain. i felt so incredibly understood and cant even tell you how many times i read it. thinking about all of the ways it made me feel SEEN is actually making me very tender so i’m gonna go on.  

the summer series

on the subject of jenny han, since she was now my Favorite author, when she came out with the summer i turned pretty in 2009, i was ALL IN. it’s not summer without you, and we’ll always have summer were published the next two years. a coming of age series about a girl isabel “belly” conklin who stays at her mother’s best friend's house at the beach in the summers. i really could talk about it forever yall. i actually dont know how to be succinct about it. i will try. her mom’s friend has TWO BOYS. one brother, jeremiah, is the golden boy and her best friend who is in love with her! the older one CONRAD is her childhood crush who's just sort of around while belly is firmly getting over her childish feelings and going out and experiencing teen beach life with jeremiah for the first time and figuring out who she is and wants to be! by the end of the summer he admits he feels differently about her (hence belly internalizing this as The Summer I Turned Pretty) and they get together. this is already too much so i will just say that the next two books deal with a PROFOUND LOSS and the selfishness of grief and the SELFLESSNESS OF CONRAD and i will absolutely lose my shit if netflix picks it up for a second jenny han series adaptation. 

pappyland

this was a kids show in the 90′s that features a character named Pappy Drew-It, an artist dressed like a 49er who lives in a magic cabin in pappyland. there’s tons of characters and music and life lessons but the meat of every episode is a detailed drawing how-to (pappy is actually a cartoonist, michael cariglio) and i have a hard back cover sketch book from my grandpa that i FILLED with drawings that pappy and DOODLEBUG taught me to do. there is a running gag that pappy always breaks his crayons.  

boy meets world

i KNOW this is beloved by many but i’m counting it because i’m simply too young to have such an obsession with it! the show ran from 1992-2000. i was born in 1996, but reruns on the disney channel and abc family cemented it as one of my favorite shows. cory and shawn, closer than brothers, shameless homoromantics, shawn is cory’s first wife!!!!! truly showed me what a best friend can and should be!!!!!! the great love of your life!!!!! TOPANGA, the og weird feminist girl who said stop shaving your legs and start speaking your mind, ladies! the characters are so richly developed that they are real people to my heart. YES every character on this show is in their late 30s-early 40s and YES i feel like we grew up together. in season one they’re in the 6th grade and we follow them all the way to COLLEGE. countless poignant life lessons, often literally dictated by the wise and hilarious MR. FEENY, cory’s next door neighbor and somehow one of his teachers for YEARS. my love was only solidified by the 2014 girl meets world reboot, centered on cory and topanga’s daughter and her best friend. (which was literally cancelled because disney didn’t want to transition from a kids show to a teen show, something essential to the original. also because that teen show would have had CANON LESBIANS. extremely shameful move in 2017!) boy meets world lives rent free in my heart and i will never evict it!!!!!!!

i consulted my mother when i got stumped for more and she reminded me that i had obsessions with the impressionist art period and babies and ANYTHING fairies or pixies, and i was way too young when my love of the canadian teen after school special degrassi began. she also said bob ross, which i was hesitant to include because he’s been super ~trendy in recent years, but to be fair (To Be Faaairrr) she’s right! i don’t think people really watched the joy of painting as much as i have throughout my life. best sick day show of all time.

lastly i could honestly list anna herself as a niche interest, my mom actually metioned that ive always hyperfixated on my girl friends (gay) but i’ll just note that YES friday night lights, YES barry lyga novels. love to share so many things with you, niche or not, they’re niche in Our Mind.

[saltyandsassynomad]

I Am A Strong Woman But A Vulnerable Child

circa 1995

This was written during an English class of my freshman year of college.  We were tasked with coming up with a title or tagline for ourselves.  What is below is exactly what I wrote; no changes have been made. 25+ years later and sadly I have many of the same feelings.  

The life I live now started when my parents got divorced, that was back in the 4th grade, 1986.  My little sister and I went to live with my mother and my older sister went to live with my dad.  Everything seemed to be going OK until my mom lost her job. Come to find out from the other relatives, it was because she was getting a little too personal with the patients she worked with.  I never found out if it was true or not.  Before she lost her job she met this man named Dennis.  He was a veteran of the Vietnam War and an amputee so my mom took an instant liking to him.  Both my little sister, Michelle, and I went to meet him at the hospital (after my mom lost her job).  He was very friendly to us and us to him.  Shortly after that he went to Wisconsin to “take care of some business.”  We talked to him almost everyday and seemed to be getting really attached.  On one of our weekend visits to our fathers house, something happened to my sister Michelle.  She decided she didn’t want to go home to Mom.  WHen I got home there was a cop talking to my mom.  Apparently Michelle and Dad were pressing child abuse charges against my mom, claiming she hit us with extension cords, belts, coat hangers, etc.  It was all true but the funny thing was that both my parents did this to us when they were married.  I don’t know what made Michelle change her mind and to this day it is one thing I will also never know.  

When Dennis got back from Wisconsin he and Mom decided to get married.  They didn’t have any rings so they used foil and made some.  They went down to the city hall and got hitched.  During the ceremony Dennis was very much drunk.  That should have been the first clue something was wrong.  Back at our apartment Dennis continued to drink.  While drunk he would go around in his wheelchair banging into the walls, leaving holes, scratches, and all other kinds of marks.  This led to the eviction of our “happy little family.”  Mom and Dennis decided to move to Oregon to start again.  This would have been OK except mom's car just got repossessed.  Their first goal was to find a car.  Since we had 30 days to leave the apartment they went looking for a car while I was supposed to be cleaning the apartment. If the work wasn’t done up to my mothers standards by the time she got home she decided that she wasn’t going to say anything to me but instead just walk up backhand me.  I was 9 years old.  Well we eventually got to Portland, Oregon.  Since we had nowhere to live, Dennis went to the VA hospital and got himself admitted.  There was a man there that had a family and offered to let me stay with them while Mom and Dennis found somewhere else to stay.  My new room with the family I didn’t know was in the basement of their house.  Luckily there was a school down the street so I went and enrolled.  Missing my other family members again, my mom still insisting that they didn’t want anything to mdow th me.  She had already told me this before and now I believed her.  I mean she was my mother and they hadn’t made any effort to contact me (actually they had and my mother was hiding it all from me).  She had basically brainwashed into believing they hated me.  I stayed with this family for about 3 months when Mom & Dennis decided they were going to move back to California.  They left me with the family I was staying with so they could go back and get everything set up.  This was only one of the many times in my life where I was left behind for something better.  

After about 3 more months with this family, they decided they didn’t want me there anymore.  I got moved to a shelter for pregnant and runaway teens.  I was still in the 6th grade.  I stayed there for about 6 months before Mom & Dennis came to get me.  We ended up in Concord, CA.  At first we stayed with this “lawyer” guy that Dennis knew.  I came to find out later that Dennis knew him through their drug deals with each other. Finally we lived in an apartment in a not-so-good part of town.  I enrolled in school again and finally finished 6th grade.  All the while neither Dennis nor my mother have a job.  They use his disability and go begging at churches for food.  Welfare and food stamps were a big part of my life.  During this time the abuse got worse.  It was not only physical but also mental and verbal.  Luckily never sexual like my earliest years.  

There was a school closer to my house than the one I was going to.  I had to transfer and once again had to leave my old school friends behind and make new ones.  At my new school I met a girl named Laura.  At first weren’t that good of friends but later in my life she became an instrumental part of helping me survive.  The problems at my house were getting so bad I ended up spending Christmas eve with my neighbor and her family.  My mom would tell me that no one wanted me because I was dirty and disrespectful.  When we were kids we were taught to never disrespect someone so where she got this idea, I don’t know.  She would also let Dennis’ mother call me a “dirty little Mexican whore” and not say anything.  One time she decided that she didn’t want me there anymore and made me pack all my stuff to move out (I was in 7th grade).  When I was done packing she had me put all my stuff on the porch and sit outside.  She finally decided that I could stay and made me unpack everything.  Another example are the times she would get me a dog, let me keep it for a few months, get attached to them then say “it ran away” while I was at school.  I know she gave them (more than one) away.  

One day in 8th grade I decided I couldn’t take anymore of the abuse so when my mother proceeded to hit me again I fought back and defended myself.  I threw a bowl at her and had to swing a walking stick to keep her off me.  She never hit me again.  

Shortly after that we got evicted again.  We lived in our car for a while then Dennis devised some plan to get himself admitted to a hospital so he had somewhere to stay.  The hospital was in San Francisco and my mom went to visit him all the time.  Some nights she would stay with him so that meant I was in the car by myself.  I eventually lived with my next door neighbor for a couple of weeks.  One day my mom called to talk to me and I told her I wanted to find my dad and stay with him.  She flipped out.  The next day when I came home from school my neighbor, Candy, told me “they’re coming to get you.”  A feeling told me inside that something bad would happen if I went with them, so I took off for Laura’s house (we had become good friends by this time).  I explained the situation to her mom and she was trying to help me out.  I ended up going to the police station and staying there for a while.  After explaining what happened, they decided the best thing for me was to stay in another shelter for troubled kids.  After some pushing and prodding, I got to stay with Laura.  My Mom didn’t fuss or fight or anything.  

That is until  a few weeks later when she decided that I needed counseling (for all 3 of us).  Since I admitted I wasn’t happy and had thought about dying, I was admitted to a special hospital where I spent a week.  By the time I left the hospital, they said my mother needed the evaluation not me.  I stayed with Laura and finished 8th grade.  I started prepping for high school when my Mom decided to stir everything up and cause problems.  By law when you don’t want to live with our parents and there is trouble in the house, you have to live with relatives before friends.  I chose my aunt and uncle in Pleasanton because they had more money than any other relatives and I was sick of being poor.  I never told them this and I never will.  

I left my old friends behind again.  I thought everything was going to be OK.  I even called my dad after not seeing him for over 4 years and talked to him.  We both cried.  Well to try and make a very long story shorter, he is now a very big drug addict along with my older sister.  My little sister now lives with another aunt and uncle.  My dad doesn’t care about me, only his drugs and I know this for a fact.  My mother and I haven’t spoken in over 5 years and right now I have no intention of speaking to her.  She is supposed to love me unconditionally and she didn’t.  No one ever has.  My aunt and uncle that I live with have negative feelings towards me because of my parents behaviors and actions.  They are doing everything they can to make me leave.  They are also mentally abusive.  Mostly my uncle.  But I’ve been through too much in my life to let this set me back.  I am determined to graduate from college.  No one in my family ever has.  

So you see, I am a strong woman in the aspect that I have been through so much and I can handle most anything.  I would never change a thing because it has made me stronger.  Except for one thing.  I am a vulnerable child when it comes to love.  No one has ever loved me unconditionally and it tears me apart.  There is a hole in my heart.  Everyone that I have remotely cared for has found someone or something better.  I have never been #1.  This will stay with me until the day I die. To know that your parents and even the rest of your family doesn’t want you around, can tear you apart.  I am a strong person and I will survive.  There is a reason this is all happening to me.  Well more than one.  One of them is I will never be like my parents or the rest of my family.  I can overcome anything...eventually.  

[unsureofreligionname]

This was meant to be me venting, but accidentally became a history of my relationship with religion instead.

Alright. So.

Came here to talk about religion because I have no outlet. If you don't want to hear it, just block me. I'm not trying to convert anyone, I'm just explaining things to see if anyone has a feckin name for my damn belief system, because I really want to avoid accidentally starting a religion or something and pissing everyone off more.

People who got pissy last time got on my ass about how I probably wasn't even ethnically jewish, so here's the whole story.

I was raised by a mother who was raised by a non-practicing jewish mother, both of whom converted to christianity in the late nineties, shortly before I was born. They're ethnically jewish, or so I'm told.

Not super related, but, in case it comes up later, I was raised with the belief that my mother's family is a long line of very careful psychics, which roughly means "a lot of the family is sensitive to spirit shit but avoids it like the plague because it's scary."

I was raised by a father who is, as far as I know, not ethnically jewish. He's of mixed asian heritage, so i guess maybe, but I'm going to assume he's not. His parents, however, were both religiously Jewish; my grandmother was adopted and raised Jewish, and my grandfather converted sometime between meeting and marrying my grandmother. They are reform. My father wasn't the most religious guy in the world, but, if you asked, he'd probably either make a joke about ohio state football or say that he was jewish.

I was raised by my father and mother together until I was seven. We didn't always consistently go to church in early childhood, but my mother did take me to two or three for months or years at a time during the 2-5 period. We celebrated christmas and easter, and i had an illustrated children's bible that, if I remember right, was split into two parts: the first was marketed to christian and jewish kids, and the latter- new testament- to christian kids. Guessing the marketing from the publishing organizations. I think I had a few other religious books and videotapes directed towards kids, both jewish and christian. I specifically remember one that illustrated mana as vanilla wafers for some reason. At seven, my parents divorced, and I primarily lived with my dad.

My dad didn't take me anywhere on the regular, but when I visited his parents for the full weekend, they'd take me to the synagogue. This was every couple of weeks. We celebrated major jewish holidays, but smaller festivals only really got a mention. When I was ten, my dad and stepmother married. She wasn't really religious, but her parents were christian, so christmas was back on our roster then, too.

I started going to hebrew school in 6th grade, but I didn't actually have a bar mitzvah because I ended up getting kicked out at around the time I turned 13 due to a whole thing about me going trick or treating when I was "too old" or whatever, shitty parents, so I ended up having to go live with my mom after that.

At this point, my mom was studying to become a youth pastor, and enrolled me into a local christian school with about a hundred students. Unfortunately, this ended up being a weird fundamentalist cult with its own textbooks and teachings, including that bacteria was not real, AIDS was a summoned by The Gays™ to kill all the christians, evolution was a conspiracy meant to dissuade people from religion, et cetera. It was fucking bizarre, at one point they called several of us posessed for being autistic and otherwise neurodivergent, and they categorized us students into the groups wise, fools, simple, and scorners. (I was a fool, by the way.) It was really not ideal, and the weird punishments were pretty traumatic. There was some weird brainwashy type word repetition involved with lookatthepersonsayokayanddothetask over and over and over, and it sucked.

So, I was at that school for about 18 months before they kicked me out for refusing to stand on one foot for an extended period of time after tapping my foot in class which caused a student who disliked me to complain.

At the same time, my mother was working at a small church out of town that wasn't exactly a cult, but I think the pastor kind of wanted it to be? It was like he wanted the cult aesthetic™ and devoted followers and shit, but only had the skill to make a really sketchy and toxic small town church with a lot of people sitting on blankets on the floor instead. That church honestly wasn't a big part of my life the way the fucked cult was, I just sort of went most weeks. I went to a confirmation class there- I'm pretty sure it was a methodist church- and got confirmed into it shortly before my mother left because the administration was weird in like an asshole way, and that was the last I knew of it.

I was homeschooled for a while during the end of this period due to all of the school stuff. Religiously, by this point in my life, I'd developed some of my own beliefs. I believed in most of the new testament and most of the torah, but I didn't have much exposure to the talmud or much of a comprehensive education in any religion. I think I read a bible cover to cover at least once as a kid, including some shitty commentary (it was a preteen bible) that gave me some internalized homophobia issues for actual years. I was also super curious about the paranormal but terrified of possession- remember the cult?- and I was curious about the idea of some people being reincarnated if they were needed on earth again. Not sure where exactly that idea came from, but it was there. People told me from a lot of sides that those with the wrong religion would go to hell, and the cult tried to teach us all to convert people at any opportunity, but, after leaving, the whole situation just made me massively uncomfortable. I did continue to practice the jewish traditions I knew how to do on my own- like hannukah and a weird private sort of passover- and my mother would support this by getting me what I needed for it, even though she didn't participate and I didn't go to any place of worship during holidays.

After getting kicked out of school not that long after adjusting to not seeing my dad or siblings on his side, we moved. My dad lost custody at some point and we no longer had to live close, so we moved and tried to find a better school. It was a Catholic grade school this time, and I was there for about six months, if I had to guess. It was actually a pretty good school, but I had some issues at the time, so I didn't enjoy it much. I was scared of teachers and administration by then, and I had trouble going the entire school day without panicking or not being able to work. There was a period of a week or two in which I didn't speak at school at all. We ended up settling on half days, and, after that, I did well.

The religion class was awkward. The other kids seemed to know more than me even though I'd thought I had a good grasp on religion at that point, and the little information we shared I'd been taught from a very different perspective. Everyone was very nice to me, but I definitely stood out as the kid who wasn't catholic at that point.

Chapel was even weirder. We had to go every wednesday during school, and catholic churches had so many traditions I didn't know about, and the stuff I knew about from either my jewish grandparents or protestant churches had a different name for some reason.

I'm looking at you, sacraments.

Anyway.

I don't think I got much out of the chapel, but religion classes were kind of cool. I liked learning about stuff I hadn't heard before, and the things that were the same were a comfort.

Soon, though, I was graduating eighth grade. I ended up going to a catholic high school. I was still out of place, but I at least had a basic idea of what to do during the mass this school had monthly.

I liked the religion classes here more, how they were an open discussion of everyone's opinions and experiences, and I liked that both of the most recent schools I'd gone to had actual textbooks with facts and studies in them. There were more kids there who weren't catholic, and I felt more comfortable to actually explore religious topics with people. I had a better understanding of catholic beliefs, a decent idea of their traditions, and could recognize at least a few of their holidays I couldn't have before.

I spent my last year of high school at a public career center to start working towards a medical career.

Now, my current beliefs. If you don't want to read it, then just don't.

I haven't been to any place of worship since my school required it, but I do have strong beliefs. I believe in one God (which I generally write all the way out after a billion essays for religion class) who created everything and watches over humans, which he made in his image, etc etc etc. I believe the old stories from the tanakh/old testament/don't care what you call it and the new- yes, including the key messiah bit- though I do think it wasn't all translated perfectly and that it was written by humans who made mistakes and poor decisions sometimes in their writing. I believe people's salvation comes through their intention, not through a piece of knowledge or a creed or good deeds or a tradition, and I believe different people worshipping in different ways is how it should be, because different people NEED different styles of worship. I believe that if someone is genuinely mistaken and incorrect in who or what they believe in, it doesn't MATTER because it's the intention to strive to do good and not harm fellow people that counts. I'm a little guarded about sharing my own beliefs, hence why I made an anonymous tumblr account, but I'm generally very curious to hear about what other people believe. I find that, for me, celebrating Jewish holidays and traditions helps me get closer to God, and I'd like to find a place of worship one day, but churches fucking terrify me now. I worship best by sitting and discussing beliefs, but I have no place to do it now that I've graduated school. I also developed some of my less related beliefs now: I believe in a lot of old stories that have popped up around the world, like fairies of various places, different creatures and entities and things that have become the subject of curiosity or worship, spirits and things, etc. I think many of these creatures exist, just that they may be different from us in the nature of how they interact with the world and matter and that, and I don't think they're deities or anything. I believe in ghosts of humans in some cases, too, though I believe sometimes other things mimic them. I don't find the idea of God having someone reincarnated if he wants the same soul to play many parts in the world unlikely at all, though that's really just me speculating. I still believe in demons, and I still don't want anything to do with them.

A lot of my understanding of things comes from Jewish, Catholic, and Protestant teaching in a strange mishmosh of culture and religion.

I relate to a lot of things directed at Jewish people, and I understand what's directed at Catholic people. Things directed at Protestant people are both understood and, unfortunately, make me instinctively wary due to weird cult trauma (that in no way reflects on actual protestant people, i love you guys some people just suck and twist religion) so are hard to interact with.

In a lot of ways, I'd consider myself Jewish. Culturally, at least, if my religious beliefs aren't "validly jewish" or whatever.

I have literally zero actual connections to any Catholic church, but I almost feel like a weird half-catholic. That's not a thing, but it's how it feels. I believe a lot of it, and I'm interested in all of it, even if I have my disagreements, plus I understand the environments and culture of it, even if I'm a bit of an outsider.

A year- or maybe two years, idk- ago, I mentioned some upcoming holiday or smth in a post and tagged it messianic. That's the closest name I could find for my experience, but apparently some organizations who use the term suck or something. I ended up getting a bunch of asks calling me a predatory fake jew or a fundamentalist christian trying to appropriate judaism or other weird shit that I'm NOT DOING. Because of my experiences in the past, those comments still weigh so damn heavy on my that I broke my resolve and made this stupid account to complain about it.

I don't have a name for what I am. I don't know where to go to talk about my beliefs with people, or what environment I could find to actually practice whatever weird faith I've dreamt up with other people in a way that isn't just picking part of what I believe and leaving the rest to rot. I feel closer to God and more spiritually fulfilled practicing the festivals that call back to what the Jewish people of old went through, but I also believe in the messiah of the new testament, and I like to read the pope's opinion on things, even though I think no human is perfect or infallible. I want to talk about old writings with people and discuss what they mean, from my religion or others, and I don't want to give any of what's right for me spiritually up.

I don't know what this post is for.

Maybe I'm just venting, but I do want to know if this is a thing or if I'm the only one with this belief system. I'm sick of getting shit for the actions of people who I'm not affiliated with, so apparently calling myself messianic doesn't cut it. I can't call myself "spiritual but not religious" either, because I'm very religious, it's just very personal and not something I shove at people, and "christian" doesn't describe a solid half of what I believe. Off and on again I've considered converting to Catholicism, but I think that's kind of grasping at the closest thing that won't piss off tumblr anons as much. (And yeah, the larger Catholic church can suck, but I honestly think I'm gonna get that with any religion with a large following)

Rambling aside:

I want to find a short description that hits the major points of what I believe in order to help me find a place or group of worship that actually matches my spiritual needs without compromising the cultures that I grew up with and making me feel like shit.

(Also don't try to change my beliefs thanks)

I'll be tagging this with anything I've mentioned or vaguely heard of that might be related so relax ok